Trust Me!!

Teaching Your Children to Trust You

“To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.”
― George MacDonald

“He just won’t listen to me.  He doesn’t want to listen to anyone.”  She sat across from me and voiced a frustration that I could see was long in the making.  Her son was seven and I could tell just from the small interaction I’d seen between them that he truly didn’t listen to her.  She thought it was because he was a precocious young boy, but I could see that it was because he didn’t trust her.  He didn’t believe that what she said was true or that she really meant the little threats she was making…and he was right. 

One of the biggest mistakes I see young parents making with their children is about trust.  My husband and I made the same mistakes in this area before we caught on.  For a while, we did just what I see so often:  we taught them NOT to trust us.  We were unaware, tired, afraid, and overwhelmed.  We didn’t do it on purpose.  That’s why it happened.

It is so important that our children believe what we tell them; that they trust us so much that obedience is the inevitable result.  We want them to know that when we say “That’s dangerous!” that we are telling the truth: that when we say “You will get hurt”, they can trust our judgement.  Most important, when we tell them that “God loves you and has a purpose for you”, they believe us.  It all starts with them trusting our words…and seeing our actions.

Trust is the glue of life. It's the most essential ingredient in effective communication. It's the foundational principle that holds all relationships.” 

― Stephen R. Covey

Basic Trust.  For all children, trust starts at birth when we purposefully meet their needs; when we answer their cries for food and comfort.  For most moms, this is second nature.  I’ll tell you what you’ve all heard: you can’t spoil a baby.  But you can begin teaching him not to trust you by not meeting his needs.  

In the beginning, that little child’s only desires are for food, comfort, and security; all of which are met by holding him to your heart and whispering words of love in his ear.  A tiny newborn cannot “learn” to sleep in his own bed (where the heartbeat and warmth that were his constant companions are absent) or to comfort himself by you leaving him alone.  You must teach him to be secure in your care of him by meeting his needs before he is able to know anything else.

Say “No” and Mean “No”.  Our child’s first encounter with self-control comes in the form of parent-control.  In order for children to learn the art of saying “no” to themselves, they must first have a parent telling them “no”.  And not just telling them “no”, but following through and showing them what that means. 

It’s not enough to say to a curious toddler “no touching the TV”.  We must follow through and give consequences when he goes to touch anyway.   Otherwise, we teach him exactly the opposite of our intentions. 

When my strong willed granddaughter was a toddler, her mother trained her not to touch the TV.  When the little one went toward the TV to touch the buttons, her mother sat next to the TV and said “NO!”  She then followed through and rapped those little fingers with a pencil when she reached out to touch anyway.  Soon, because of mom’s consistency, she learned that when mom said “no”, she meant “no”.

Follow Words With Actions.  Actions speak a lot louder than our words.  In order for our children to trust our words, they must be followed with action.  It is a grave mistake to tell a child that you will “spank her if…” and then not do it.  She will learn that your words mean nothing.
 

It is also a mistake to tell a child that you will do something for them and then not do it. One of the mistakes we made when our boys were young was telling them that we would “do something fun today”.  Then, the day would wear on and we would get tired and not do that fun thing.  Our boys would call us on it and we would say, “but I didn’t promise, I just said “we might”.  Big mistake!  Our word should be our promise; because to them, it is.  For this reason, we parents must be SO careful about what we say to our impressionable children. 

If there is a possibility that our words won’t be followed with action, don’t say them.  If you say you are going to “spank you if….” you’d better spank when that little one fulfills the ‘if’.  If you say you are going to the park today, you’d better psych yourself up to go.  Our words have to mean something if our children are going to trust us.

Don’t Say “Maybe”.  I’m sure you’ve heard it or done it yourself.  “Maybe we can do that if…” “Maybe you can have that if…”  Basing reward on conditions to be met is setting yourself and your child up for failure.  You might tell yourself that you are just trying to be the good guy by not saying “no”.  You really have no intention of doing or giving that thing, but somehow by saying “maybe” you avoid being the mean parent. 

Sorry.  That’s not the way it works.  What your child hears is “If you fulfill these requirements, we will do that or you can have that.”  Then they don’t get it…and don’t get it…and don’t get it.  Something worse happens in their hearts: they begin to believe that they are failures and are just not good enough.  They begin to distrust your words of encouragement and your belief in them.  Say “yes”.  Say “no”.  Then follow through.  Don’t say “maybe”.

FYI:  “We’ll see” can be the same thing.  If you feel yourself starting to give a “maybe”-like answer, say “no”.  Then, if things change and it becomes a “yes”, no one is hurt or distrustful.

Say “I’m Sorry”.  You may have read the above point and thought “what if something happens beyond my control and we can’t go to the park like we planned?”  Life happens.  Trips to the emergency room happen.  Unexpected guests drop by.  Dads come home early.  When that happens, we must acknowledge what we said, “I said we would do…”, and then say “I’m sorry”.  We can’t pretend that we said something different or that we didn’t “promise” so we are not obligated.  Children see right through that and will begin to distrust.  When we make mistakes, or plans get changed, or we cannot follow through with our word; we do what we would want another adult to do for us: we say to our children “I’m sorry.”

Say “I Told You So”.  I don’t know about you, but at times I’ve talked circles around my children.  I’ve lectured them about cause and effect.  Especially as they get older, we explain why and we lay out the consequences.  We think we have explained it well enough and that they will obey…and then they don’t.  They do the very thing that we told them not to do and then suffer the consequences that we told them about.  

It’s funny how forgetful our children can be.  Perhaps it is because they weren’t really paying attention in the first place.  Or maybe it’s that they think, like we did at their age, “that won’t happen to me.”  So… we must remind them about those talks.  We must point out to them that we were indeed telling the truth when we said “this will happen if you do that.”  Saying “I told you so” reminds our children that they can trust us.

Give Hugs. One of the greatest regrets I have as a parent is not giving my boys the hugs that they needed when they asked.  

Believe it or not, your kids will occasionally annoy you.  You will be focused on a task or chore and they will come up to you and want your attention.  You will be tempted to say “go away!” or “not right now.”  However, their time as children is so short.  When they come and ask you for a hug or a kiss, it is because they trust you to give them reassurance that you love them.  I realize that you can’t always give 100% of your attention whenever they ask, however, you can give them a hug and send them on their way.

When my daughter was about 3, she would sometimes get into trouble and get a spanking.  Immediately after the swat, she would turn to me with her little arms raised and say “I need a hug!”  I would give it to her no matter how mad I was.  She needed the reassurance that I loved her regardless of her actions.  Trust me: when your children ask for a hug, give it to them.

Unlike respect and honor, which the Bible says is due regardless of actions, trust must be earned.  It takes work, diligence, vigilance, day-to-day training and action to earn trust from our children.  We cannot let it just happen or assume that that they will automatically.  We must purposefully, with our daily habits, earn it.  When we do, our children will be secure in the knowledge that their parents are worthy of their obedience.  Then, when you tell them that God is worthy of their trust and obedience, they will believe you.

Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart; and lean not to your own understanding.

Isaiah 12:2 Behold, God is my salvation; I will trust, and not be afraid: for the LORD JEHOVAH is my strength and my song; he also is become my salvation.

Romans 15:13 Now the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope, through the power of the Holy Ghost.