Trust Me!!

Teaching Your Children to Trust You

“To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.”
― George MacDonald

“He just won’t listen to me.  He doesn’t want to listen to anyone.”  She sat across from me and voiced a frustration that I could see was long in the making.  Her son was seven and I could tell just from the small interaction I’d seen between them that he truly didn’t listen to her.  She thought it was because he was a precocious young boy, but I could see that it was because he didn’t trust her.  He didn’t believe that what she said was true or that she really meant the little threats she was making…and he was right. 

One of the biggest mistakes I see young parents making with their children is about trust.  My husband and I made the same mistakes in this area before we caught on.  For a while, we did just what I see so often:  we taught them NOT to trust us.  We were unaware, tired, afraid, and overwhelmed.  We didn’t do it on purpose.  That’s why it happened.

It is so important that our children believe what we tell them; that they trust us so much that obedience is the inevitable result.  We want them to know that when we say “That’s dangerous!” that we are telling the truth: that when we say “You will get hurt”, they can trust our judgement.  Most important, when we tell them that “God loves you and has a purpose for you”, they believe us.  It all starts with them trusting our words…and seeing our actions.

Trust is the glue of life. It's the most essential ingredient in effective communication. It's the foundational principle that holds all relationships.” 

― Stephen R. Covey

Basic Trust.  For all children, trust starts at birth when we purposefully meet their needs; when we answer their cries for food and comfort.  For most moms, this is second nature.  I’ll tell you what you’ve all heard: you can’t spoil a baby.  But you can begin teaching him not to trust you by not meeting his needs.  

In the beginning, that little child’s only desires are for food, comfort, and security; all of which are met by holding him to your heart and whispering words of love in his ear.  A tiny newborn cannot “learn” to sleep in his own bed (where the heartbeat and warmth that were his constant companions are absent) or to comfort himself by you leaving him alone.  You must teach him to be secure in your care of him by meeting his needs before he is able to know anything else.

Say “No” and Mean “No”.  Our child’s first encounter with self-control comes in the form of parent-control.  In order for children to learn the art of saying “no” to themselves, they must first have a parent telling them “no”.  And not just telling them “no”, but following through and showing them what that means. 

It’s not enough to say to a curious toddler “no touching the TV”.  We must follow through and give consequences when he goes to touch anyway.   Otherwise, we teach him exactly the opposite of our intentions. 

When my strong willed granddaughter was a toddler, her mother trained her not to touch the TV.  When the little one went toward the TV to touch the buttons, her mother sat next to the TV and said “NO!”  She then followed through and rapped those little fingers with a pencil when she reached out to touch anyway.  Soon, because of mom’s consistency, she learned that when mom said “no”, she meant “no”.

Follow Words With Actions.  Actions speak a lot louder than our words.  In order for our children to trust our words, they must be followed with action.  It is a grave mistake to tell a child that you will “spank her if…” and then not do it.  She will learn that your words mean nothing.
 

It is also a mistake to tell a child that you will do something for them and then not do it. One of the mistakes we made when our boys were young was telling them that we would “do something fun today”.  Then, the day would wear on and we would get tired and not do that fun thing.  Our boys would call us on it and we would say, “but I didn’t promise, I just said “we might”.  Big mistake!  Our word should be our promise; because to them, it is.  For this reason, we parents must be SO careful about what we say to our impressionable children. 

If there is a possibility that our words won’t be followed with action, don’t say them.  If you say you are going to “spank you if….” you’d better spank when that little one fulfills the ‘if’.  If you say you are going to the park today, you’d better psych yourself up to go.  Our words have to mean something if our children are going to trust us.

Don’t Say “Maybe”.  I’m sure you’ve heard it or done it yourself.  “Maybe we can do that if…” “Maybe you can have that if…”  Basing reward on conditions to be met is setting yourself and your child up for failure.  You might tell yourself that you are just trying to be the good guy by not saying “no”.  You really have no intention of doing or giving that thing, but somehow by saying “maybe” you avoid being the mean parent. 

Sorry.  That’s not the way it works.  What your child hears is “If you fulfill these requirements, we will do that or you can have that.”  Then they don’t get it…and don’t get it…and don’t get it.  Something worse happens in their hearts: they begin to believe that they are failures and are just not good enough.  They begin to distrust your words of encouragement and your belief in them.  Say “yes”.  Say “no”.  Then follow through.  Don’t say “maybe”.

FYI:  “We’ll see” can be the same thing.  If you feel yourself starting to give a “maybe”-like answer, say “no”.  Then, if things change and it becomes a “yes”, no one is hurt or distrustful.

Say “I’m Sorry”.  You may have read the above point and thought “what if something happens beyond my control and we can’t go to the park like we planned?”  Life happens.  Trips to the emergency room happen.  Unexpected guests drop by.  Dads come home early.  When that happens, we must acknowledge what we said, “I said we would do…”, and then say “I’m sorry”.  We can’t pretend that we said something different or that we didn’t “promise” so we are not obligated.  Children see right through that and will begin to distrust.  When we make mistakes, or plans get changed, or we cannot follow through with our word; we do what we would want another adult to do for us: we say to our children “I’m sorry.”

Say “I Told You So”.  I don’t know about you, but at times I’ve talked circles around my children.  I’ve lectured them about cause and effect.  Especially as they get older, we explain why and we lay out the consequences.  We think we have explained it well enough and that they will obey…and then they don’t.  They do the very thing that we told them not to do and then suffer the consequences that we told them about.  

It’s funny how forgetful our children can be.  Perhaps it is because they weren’t really paying attention in the first place.  Or maybe it’s that they think, like we did at their age, “that won’t happen to me.”  So… we must remind them about those talks.  We must point out to them that we were indeed telling the truth when we said “this will happen if you do that.”  Saying “I told you so” reminds our children that they can trust us.

Give Hugs. One of the greatest regrets I have as a parent is not giving my boys the hugs that they needed when they asked.  

Believe it or not, your kids will occasionally annoy you.  You will be focused on a task or chore and they will come up to you and want your attention.  You will be tempted to say “go away!” or “not right now.”  However, their time as children is so short.  When they come and ask you for a hug or a kiss, it is because they trust you to give them reassurance that you love them.  I realize that you can’t always give 100% of your attention whenever they ask, however, you can give them a hug and send them on their way.

When my daughter was about 3, she would sometimes get into trouble and get a spanking.  Immediately after the swat, she would turn to me with her little arms raised and say “I need a hug!”  I would give it to her no matter how mad I was.  She needed the reassurance that I loved her regardless of her actions.  Trust me: when your children ask for a hug, give it to them.

Unlike respect and honor, which the Bible says is due regardless of actions, trust must be earned.  It takes work, diligence, vigilance, day-to-day training and action to earn trust from our children.  We cannot let it just happen or assume that that they will automatically.  We must purposefully, with our daily habits, earn it.  When we do, our children will be secure in the knowledge that their parents are worthy of their obedience.  Then, when you tell them that God is worthy of their trust and obedience, they will believe you.

Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart; and lean not to your own understanding.

Isaiah 12:2 Behold, God is my salvation; I will trust, and not be afraid: for the LORD JEHOVAH is my strength and my song; he also is become my salvation.

Romans 15:13 Now the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope, through the power of the Holy Ghost.

Who's In Charge?

"If we don’t shape our kids, they will be shaped by outside forces that don’t care what shape our kids are in.”-Dr. Louise Hart

Seems like a silly question: Who's in charge?  As a parent, we are in charge.  Right?  Well, we are supposed to be anyway.  Yet, we'd be surprised how many times we abdicate our authority to our little ones without even knowing it.  Sometimes it's because we don't think about it; maybe we are distracted; or we just want some peace - so the littles win.  Unfortunately, our silent surrender of authority has consequences, some of which can carry on into the next generation.

Imagine you are visiting New York City and you decide on a whim to enter the largest bank building you see.  As you pass through the revolving doors, smiling faces greet you and you are whisked up to the penthouse office.  An official looking person seats you behind the biggest desk you have ever seen and proceeds to ask you how you want to do business and what you would like to do with the thousands of employees working downstairs.  Panic rises in your chest.  You have no idea even what this building is all about much less how to begin to make decisions that will affect many lives and lots of money.  You might like the feeling of power at first, but as soon as you realize just how enormous the responsibility, you might have a nervous breakdown – or a temper tantrum.

When we relinquish our authority as parents (the ones in charge) and hand it over to our children, the above scenario is exactly how they feel.  They don't know anything about this world - what to eat, what to wear, what to do that is good, what will hurt, what will help or what will be best for themselves or others.  Although they may like the idea of getting their own way, just like we may like the idea of controlling millions of dollars, they don't really want it.  What they really want and need is to trust that someone who KNOWS is in charge and can be relied upon to make the big (and small) decisions that they face every day.

Our children need security, peace, clear communication, easy to follow guidelines, predictable consequences and someone in which to put their trust.  Without these things, they will become incorrigible monsters unable to discern right from wrong and incapable of being a blessing to anyone, including themselves.  Our prisons are full of such people.

7 Ways to Be in Charge of Our Children

1 – Teach Asking vs Demanding

The two weeks that I spent with my little grand-daughters was so sweet.  They are such adorable little girls aged three and 18 months. However, as we interacted and played together, I noticed that the oldest was continually saying things like "I want to do..." or "I want to have..." or "I want..."  It didn't take me long to realize that this was her way of controlling her world.  But the more control she had, the less satisfied she was with anything.  

So, I took back control.  Every time she said "I want..." I told her I would not listen and that she had to ask.  We replaced the "I want..." statements with "May I..." or "Can I..." questions. Several times I patiently explained that she must ask permission and that sometimes the answer would be "no" because I was in charge.  Just this small change created more peace.

When we have to ask, we acknowledge authority.  Asking is also giving over control and responsibility for the "yes" or "no" to that authority.  In a way, the weight of consequences and outcomes is lifted and we begin to trust.  This is exactly what happened with Emma. She began to trust me and was happier in that trust.

2 - Gratefulness is next to godliness

Being thankful in itself creates admiration in others.  Anyone who is thankful for what he receives, is generally a blessing to those around him. 

My little 18 month-old grand-daughter has been taught to say "thank you" for anything she receives - a toy, food, help, a "yes", etc.  Although she can't really say it clearly, she makes me feel so good about giving her anything because of her "tan tu" every time.

Many times, my rule was that if I didn’t receive a “thank you” for what I gave to my kids, then I would take it back and they wouldn’t get it at all.  This went for dessert, a drink, a toy, a game, my time, etc.  Very quickly they realized that if they weren’t thankful, they did not receive much.

My husband and I also taught them to pray.  At every meal, we thanked God for what He had given us.  It was important for our children to see that we were thankful, too.

We also made a concerted effort to say “thank you” to our children whenever they gave us something.  If we asked them to turn up the volume on the TV or get dad a glass of water, we made sure we said “thank you”. 

No matter what it is, our children must learn to be grateful.  When they are thankful, they are acknowledging our authority. When they are grateful for everything, they learn that nothing is entitled and that every receipt is a gift.  In turn, it is a blessing to give to them.  

3 - Yours, mine & ours

One of the best rules of any household is “If it is not yours, don’t touch it!”  In order to teach respect for others, it is imperative to teach children to keep their hands off other people’s stuff.  Remembering my experiences over the years as a childcare provider, nothing caused more conflict among the children than one child not respecting the property of another.

Children cannot learn to really share unless they learn to possess.  They have to own something to share it or to give it away.  The first step in this process is teaching them to keep their hands to themselves and not touch mom’s things.  I first model possession by taking care of my possessions and respecting other’s property.  Then they can learn to do the same.  When the time comes to share and be generous with others, they can do that because they actually own something.

So, teach them from the very first that mom’s water bottle is NOT theirs.  Their sippy cup is theirs and they don’t have to share it with anyone.  They cannot take their sister’s sippy cup because it is hers.  Then graduate to a toy or two that is their own and that they can choose to share – or not. 

We had “share toys” in our house.  These were toys that we expressly purchased for everyone to play with.  Then, the kids had their own toys that they had to take care of and could choose to share if they wished.  Of course, we rewarded their choice to share with approval and encouragement. However, the bigger lesson was in taking care of their own possessions and respecting the property of others.

4 - My Convenience, not Theirs

There are times that our children get their way simply by being persistent.  We give in because we don’t want to hear the whining or begging anymore.  I’ve been there…and it didn’t end well.  Eventually, my little toddler learned that all he had to do was whine for a while and I would give him what he wanted.

Do not give in to your child’s timeline.  Remember that YOU are in charge and short of an imminent potty accident, there is nothing that cannot wait for you to say when.

I’m not talking about ignoring your child’s needs or belittling his desires.  I’m talking about teaching him to trust your judgement.  When I’m in conversation with my pastor after church, that is not the time for my child to demand lunch.  He can come to me and politely tell me that he is hungry.  I will acknowledge his request and require that he wait patiently WITHOUT telling me again until I decide it is time to fulfill his need for food.

If he is tired or uncomfortable, he can tell me once about his need.  Then he has to wait patiently for me to decide when that need is to be filled.  Being tired or uncomfortable is NOT an excuse for bad behavior.  Whining, crying or begging will not be tolerated.

On the flip side, I MUST follow through and meet his needs when I say I will or he will not trust me to be in charge.  This is not an excuse to sit and binge watch episodes of NCIS or ignore his need for a nap and talk for hours with my friend at the mall. 

Children learn to acknowledge your authority when you do not allow them to dictate when their needs are met but rather meet them in a timely manner when it is best for them and when you decide.

5 - No Argument!

True obedience is immediate action without delay, complaint, or argument.  The moment I allow my child to argue with me about my directive, is the moment I have given away my authority.  Children will learn quickly that they can delay obedience just by arguing with you and perhaps get out of doing what you told them all together.

You cannot allow argument.  When they are little, there should be no question about what you tell them to do.  If you tell them to put on their shoes, they should do it.  If you ask them to brush their teeth, they should have no argument. 

Our rule was that they had to obey first and then come and make their case afterward.  Most of the time, obedience first solved any issues.  When they got to be teenagers, they were allowed to respectfully disagree with a directive only if it could not be undone or if they needed clarification.

Now, parents are not perfect.  Sometimes we make mistakes.  If we ask them to do something unreasonable, unclear, or ungodly, we’d better be prepared to ask their forgiveness.  If we are quick to say “I’m sorry” when we make a mistake, they will be more ready to obey next time.

6 - Honor effort, not excuses

“I can’t” is something that I heard often from my little granddaughter when she visited.  Most of the time, she meant that she didn’t want to do whatever it was.  Sometimes, she meant that she was afraid and didn’t trust me to protect her.  In either case, I had to remind her that I was in charge and that she must do what I was asking because I would help her and reward her efforts.

When she made the effort, I encouraged and praised her.  When she made excuses, I didn’t listen and I didn’t encourage.  “I can’t” was not allowed and had to be turned into “I’ll try”. 

Most of the time, she was looking for reassurance that I, or her parents, were in control and could be trusted.

7 - Communication - short & sweet

Quite often during my children’s teen years, I was accused of lecturing.  Because of their critique, I learned that saying the same thing over and over in different ways was not effective.

I believe that short and sweet applies even more to the little ones.  Recently, I witnessed a mother trying to explain to her 1 year-old why he couldn’t climb up onto the table.  She explained carefully in several paragraphs why she was saying “no” and what would happen if he got hurt.  As soon as she put him on the floor, he proceeded to climb up on the table again as if it was a game he was playing with her.  Ridiculous!

Our communication with our toddlers and teens should be clear, short and sweet.  No explaining necessary.  No long winded stories or explanations of consequences.  For some reason, their brains turn off and they don’t remember what you said or why you said it.

Sometimes a short explanation is necessary, but most of the time our children just need to do what we ask because we are in charge.  Not that we should never explain when our children ask, but we need to be aware that sometimes their questions are just a delaying tactic.  Don’t fall for it.

The word “NO” is a short, powerful word and should be used often.  If we don’t want our little toddlers imitating it then we could say “Absolutely not!” instead.  However, it is essential that we say it.  The only way our children learn anything about boundaries for themselves is when we set them in the world around them.

In Charge

If we are not in charge of our children, our children will not gain the confidence, security, boundaries, or character that they will need to succeed in this world on their own.  We want them to be a blessing to any who know them.  Someday, they will need to be in charge of their own lives.  The way that we take charge of our family will be the way that they take charge of theirs.

The Ones Who Change Us

Throughout the course of our lives, many things have a hand in changing us: circumstances, our location education – other people.  As a matter of fact, as we look back at what made the biggest impact on who we have become, we may realize that certain specific relationships made the most difference for the better: mentors who spoke profoundly into our lives.

Mark Hamby of Lamplighter Publishing says, “You are the people you meet and the books you read.”  In other words, “Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.” (Proverbs 27:17).  Not just anyone you meet on the street will build your life.  Only those that become as intimate and readable as a book or who are close enough to you to shave off the rough edges.

The people who really change us are the ones that are truly present in our lives.  Those willing to hang out with us and have those long conversations of an evening (as opposed to watching TV or tapping on a smart phone).  Those that seek us out or become available when we are seeking a sounding board. Those that really care about our wholeness and internal (and eternal) life. Those that give unsolicited advice because they are that close a friend; and that close a friend that is willing to risk that friendship to tell us the truth.

When I was a young mom, I became acquainted with a mother whose youngest was the same age as my oldest.  She was about 10 years older and at least that much wiser (probably more).  She would welcome me to her house with my entourage of children and include me in their family dinners.  Her teens would play with my little toddlers and babysit my baby.  And she and I would have talks about parenthood, God, life and children that sometimes lasted well into the early morning hours.  Much of who I am today is a result of those long conversations and my relationship with her and her family.

Later, when my kids were a little older, another family came to live with us.  Again, the mom was a little older and they had four kids.  Our boys would play together and became like brothers and my girls became like her son’s little sisters.  She taught me a lot about cooking, sewing and gardening.  We would talk about all kinds of things as we prepared the evening meal for 14 in our large kitchen.  Our discussions would range from physical health to spiritual well being and from how to make a good soup to how to discipline a wayward child.  Our exchange of ideas and perusal of each other’s thoughts caused a renaissance of productivity and education for both of us.

There is a lot of talk today about role models.  Everyone and his dog is advised to be a good role model and make sure that they are a good example to the young people who might look up to them. Yet, good models only last as long as their image; and as soon as the real person shows, all of the benefit of being that good role model is gone.   Hannah Montana was great until she became Miley Cyrus.  Bill Clinton was ok until he became that Liar; Jerry Falwell was pretty awesome until he became that Adulterer; and Bill Cosby’s comedy will never be the same. Now, we remember them as less than stellar; and the only impact they made on us was to assure us of the tenuous position of balancing on a pedestal.

Admirable role models are a myth.  Anyone can be one if they work on their image, put on a mask every day and never let anyone see the real person underneath.  That means appearing in public only when super prepared and only in the right places, keeping to oneself, and never letting anyone see you behind your closed door.  As a role model, one might have some slight impact from a distance on the people crossing one’s path.  But the amount of effort necessary to keep up appearances would rival Michael Jackson’s marketing team.  Forget it!

What we all need more of in our playground are mentors.  We need someone to come alongside us and teach us more about ourselves, point out our insecurities, help smooth out our rough edges because we cannot handle ourselves with objectivity. Instead of avoiding any criticism behind our foolish façade, we need to know how others really see us. Ideally, the ones that point out our imperfections should be the ones that care about us most deeply.  They have to become as vulnerable as ourselves.

Being a mentor is almost exactly the opposite of a “role model”.  It is opening yourself to allow someone else to see the real you.  It is working on your own character even when no one is watching because when you have that long conversation into the late evening, your true colors will show through – and you want them to be mostly pretty.  It is allowing others to interrupt your life and invade your space because you care about their thoughts and ideas.  A mentor is willing to admit to his mistakes and turn them into lessons for himself and others rather than making ridiculous justifications and silly excuses.

Ahhhh…and now we come down to why we need more mentors in this world.  Many would rather wear the transparent disguise and pretend that they have arrived than show any weakness or fault in themselves.  Some of us have actually begun to believe the little lies we tell ourselves and have become used to wearing the hood.  At the other extreme, some of us may have just flipped the bird to the world and said “If you don’t like me the way I am, I don’t need you!” and continued to keep our distance.  Both reactions are an avoidance of the need to change and grow.

So we come to the real choice for each of us … if we really have a choice.  Will we be mentors or just distant role models?  Will we press on toward a chance to grow and become more than we are now or will we just take the supposedly easier road and keep our distance from the others in our lives? 

 Let me give it to you straight: if you are a parent, you don’t have a choice.  You need to be a mentor and not just a role model.  You need to be in the trenches getting real and choosing to be present in your child’s life. And I mean not just there but really THERE – listening, reacting, interacting, forgiving, confessing, loving, focusing, and being vulnerable to your kids.  If you want to build and shape their lives for the better, you have to be deliberate and realize your role as a mentor.

If you aren’t a parent right now, you can still choose to be a mentor; but it’s not easy or comfortable.  Although you may have a choice to press in or back away, let’s face it: most will see right through the mask you might hide behind.  When they see the real you and you don’t own it, you will have lost the credibility to be even a good role model.

As we start this New Year (yipes! Another year!), I am challenging myself to choose the harder road to become someone better.  I will need others who care about me to help shape me.  I will need a mentor.  More importantly, if I really want to grow, I must humble myself and become one.