Hope in the Lord

“Motherhood is very sweet…but very terrible.” Anne of Ingleside by L.M. Montgomery

“I don’t care. I’ve stopped caring about you and what you want. I just don’t care anymore.” Adrian and I had gone around and around again over the last couple of months. This was just the latest in his assertions to me. Granted, my communications to him had not been perfect either, but this was a low blow.

“I haven’t asked you to care. I’ve asked you to get your school work done. The rest is between you and God.” I looked cool and unconcerned on the outside, but on the inside I was dying. My heart was being wrenched out of my chest and the tears of my inner soul were flowing hard and fast.

“I might just become an atheist!” he told me with a hard look.

“I guess that is between you and God, too.” I was determined not to let him see what I was really feeling even though I was crumpling with failure.

Over the next couple of weeks, some of these phrases would be repeated each time he was held accountable for something (ie. cleaning his room, using a mean tone of voice, not completing his assignments, neglecting his chores, or speaking disrespectfully) or pushing my buttons when I was angry. Others were added to them, like “I’m never going to be good enough for you guys,” or “I know you don’t love me and never did!” Each time, I wondered ‘God!! Where are You?! Please do something!’

At night, when my mind was quiet and I allowed it to wander, I would try to remember where I went wrong. Was there something that I had done to make his heart this hard? Where had I failed?

I remembered a time when he was about 10 years old. I was up to my neck in what seemed like a lot of work at the time and I was fed up with his constant questioning and following me from room to room insisting that I look at this or listen to that. I had snapped and shouted for him to quit following me like a little puppy! He had only wanted some affirmation. Why had I not given it? Why had I been so selfish?

I remembered times, when he was younger, coming up to me and asking to be hugged. Usually he would ask at those times when I was up to my elbows in dishes or dinner preparation or some other work and I would be impatient and sometimes refuse to hug him. He had needed those hugs! He had needed my love and my tenderness. Now, he will not accept my hugs and refuses to give any. Why had I not seen it? Why hadn’t I given him what he needed?

My heart and mind cried out, just like King David, ‘God! Why have You forgotten me?! Where are you when I need you the most?!’

Then…one morning…

We were sitting around the dining room table. I had wrestled everyone out of bed as I do each school morning. Trying to get everyone up and started on the day is like pulling teeth most of the time. No matter how early we go to bed the night before, it seems that everyone but me has a hard time getting up in the morning.

The boys were getting started on their rowdy renditions of the adventures in skateboarding that they had had the night before. Adrian in particular is very entertaining. The girls were all listening in rapt attention as the two of then related the silly quotes of their friends and the soap opera sagas of the ‘public school’ community in which these friends were involved.

I opened my Bible to Psalms and selected one at random. Just as I was about to read, Adrian reached over and closed my Bible. He was just kidding with me. He and Terence wanted to tell one last joke or something. I told him to find the Psalm again for me since he had lost my place.

“Which one was it?” he asked.

“Psalm 42.” I had glanced at the number just before he closed it.

“Will you just read aloud to us today?” he asked. I usually have each one of them read a few verses from their own Bibles.

After a few minutes, I said, “Okay!! Let’s get started. Everyone listen.” And I began reading the Psalm.

It was just as if God were telling me exactly what I needed to hear. In this Psalm, David is crying out to God regarding his frustration with his enemies. He says “God!! Where are you?! I feel like you aren’t doing anything or answering my prayers!!”

Then he remembers that what God is doing has nothing to do with how he feels and more to do with his choice. He then says, “Why are you so depressed, Soul? Why are you worried? Put your hope in God!! For I will still praise Him, my Savior and my God!”

It reminded me of the song by Barlow Girl: “Never Alone”, where she admits that she can’t see or understand what God is doing and it seems like He is not there, but she makes the decision to put her faith in what she knows rather that what she feels. She realizes that God is there whether she feels him or not.

I was also reminded of the song by Jeremy Camp: “I Still Believe”, where he chooses to continue believing in the Lord even though it seems like the world is falling apart around him.

After reading, we discussed what was being said. The boys both had some good things to contribute about how our culture today is ruled by how we (as a society) feel rather than what we know to be right or our faith. We even talked about how loving someone is a choice rather than a “warm fuzzy” and how putting our trust in God even when we don’t feel Him there is always a better choice.

Later, I realized that God had shown Himself to me at a time when I had been wondering if He was around. He is the one who picked the Psalm – reassuring me that I can put my hope in Him even when I don’t see or feel Him. It was just what I needed to hear.

Yes, I’ve made some mistakes as a parent, but God is still in control. I may not see Him working in Adrian’s life or feel Him guiding my own, but He is there and He is still “working all things together for good” whether I see Him or not. He can and will fill in the gaps. All I have to do is put my hope in God and trust that He has the best plan.

Now the question is “Will I follow my feelings or will I choose hope, life and faith in Him Who is able?”

Destination 3

Next, we drove to Israel. The drive wasn’t that long, but all the security and stuff took a little bit of time. Once we were past all that, we went straight to a trail called David’s Waterfall. It is believed that that was where David hid from Saul in the wilderness.

At the beginning of the trail, we almost walked into an Ibex herd. (A type of deer that looks like an antelope.) The moment one of us spotted them, all the cameras flew into action. Only after everyone had taken a picture did we continue on with the trail.

A little further down the trail we came to a small pool of water. There were school kids in their shorts playing in the water and some closer to the water’s source: a mini waterfall.

The trail was so beautiful! Again, I wanted to live there for the rest of my life. The water was fresh except where the animals had been in and out. There were perfect places for my project “live out”. The only problem was that I had family to get back to and friends who would hunt me down to see the pictures.

On we went toward the main waterfall that was supposedly David’s. It was huge! It seemed that the water had come from miles away just so we could see it. I wanted to go and dive in but it was blocked off. All I could do was watch in amazement and wonder.

On the way back, I went ahead and found the perfect place to wait for my Grandma. It was a small rock that went half into the water. I was sitting on the part that was out of the water when some teenagers came by. One of then said something to me. He spoke in Arabic so I asked if any of them spoke English. One did. It was the girl in the small group of teens.
She told me that her brother had warned me not to fall in. I was embarrassed and told her I would try not to. Just after they left, my Grandma came from around the corner. I got up, jumped the little trickle in my way, and we went on.

When we got back to the beginning, I wanted to go back with my book and read in my spot – but, of course, not enough time. We needed to make it on time to our next tour stop. We all regrouped and loaded the bus once more.

The Garden. Our next and last stop was the Garden of Gethsemane. This is also known as the place were Jesus brought his disciples, and prayed. He prayed to the Father asking if there was some other way to save everyone from sin. If you’ve read the Bible, then you know what God told Jesus.

When we got there, there were already some other groups from China, Mexico, and other countries. I could tell because of the languages. Of course, some of the languages I didn’t recognize. We had to wait in line for a little bit. Than we all prayed and entered the garden.

Inside there were olive trees everywhere and a dirt path leading around the whole thing. I felt happier than ever in this place. (Don’t ask me why I was happy, of all things.) Grandma reminded me to stay quiet because some people were praying and reading their Bibles. We decided to pray, too.

After we were done praying, we went over to the guide. He was holding a basket and asked us to give the gatekeeper a tip for allowing us all in. We did and when we all regrouped, we left the garden and went back to the hotel to pack up for the last time.

The Airport. Saying good-bye to all our new friends. Boarding the plane. Landing in the U.S.A. Going to my Grandma’s to spend the night. Heading back home again. What a trip! It’s one that I’ll remember forever.