The Princess & the Field

Football is made up of all kinds of conflict. In a dressing room, between players, between us and the manager, between us and loads of people who don't seem to matter. It's constant and harsh sometimes.--  Wayne Rooney 

I think I realize now why so many fairy tales involve a King locking up his princess in the castle.  Not so much because of ‘Prince Charming’, but because he just doesn't want to see her leave!  Ralph & I have had a much more difficult time seeing our oldest daughter, Deanna, move out and try the world on  her own than we did any of our three boys.  We all miss her being here to tease and talk to.  It’s all we can do to keep from calling her every day just to hear how her day is going.

It used to be that our house was frequently filled with children of all ages.  When my youngest was 2 or 3, it was not unusual for us to have 14 or 15 children over for dinner (everyone had to have a friend or two if the others did).  In fact, at that time we lived with another family who had four children.  Then our babies got older and we had a house full of teenagers every weekend – playing Xbox tournaments, jumping on the trampoline or watching a movie.

Now, our world is getting smaller and much less complicated – and empty!  (Instead of 14, we have only 5 or 6.) We watch our children leave the nest one by one and plunge  into the icy waters of the real world hoping that we have taught them enough to keep them afloat; or better yet, to swim successfully.  Needless to say, it’s nerve-wracking!

This season feels a little bit like we are watching our children’s world from the sidelines; cheering on a favorite football team from the nose-bleed section of the bleachers.  Our cheers and directives are loud in our own ears but we aren't really sure if the players can even distinguish us from the others in the crowd.  Occasionally, we will hear a comment from the referees or the commentators about how our daughter is doing, but we are no longer welcome on the field.

Then one day, we get a call and are invited into the locker room:

“Mom!” her voice sounded a little shaky on the phone.

“Hey!  Honey, what’s up?” I tried to sound casual.

“Not much.” I could tell that she really meant ‘Too much!’

“Ok. Talk to me.  You can tell me anything.” I told her, trying to reassure her.

“Mom!  I feel like my whole life is falling apart!  I can’t find a job, this next test is hard, and there is this boy…” she began to cry into the phone.

My heart broke and I started to cry, too.  At that moment, I realized both what I must have put my own mother through and that parenting doesn't end when the bird leaves the nest.  I wanted to go and put my pads on and dust off my helmet and cleats and go into the field over my daughter.  I wanted to tackle to the ground all of the players that were causing her grief – especially that boy!!!

However, the only thing I could do was listen…and cry…and pray.  As I listened to her pour out her grief, the Lord spoke to me.  He gave me the words to remind her that He was there, too.  Jesus’ heart was breaking, too; and He wanted to comfort her and help her and go to battle for her, too.   As we prayed together over the phone, God comforted both of us.  He reminded us that He was in our midst fighting, shielding, and loving – if only we were willing to stay within His circle.

I tried to get out all of the words that my heart was crying.  That she was a child of the King…that she was worthy of the best…that she only had to stay close to Jesus so that He could protect her.  Those icy waters of the real world are brutal and her only hope was to cling to the One who could pull her through.

After we hung up, I was still teary eyed.  God still had to work on my heart to trust Him with my daughter.  I don’t know why I think that I should be able to do a better job than the Creator of the Universe, but I do.  I’d even told Deanna that she should come home for a while – so that I could protect her.  Why is it so hard to trust the King!?

When I checked my e-mail the next day, she had sent me a note.  “Thanks for staying up and talking with me, Mom.  I didn't realize how much I needed my mom till I moved out.  I really love you.”

I don’t know if all is resolved.  I think that the game is still going on and I am again in the stands watching my princess execute the next play on the field.  The only thing I can do is pray and ask God to show me where He is on the green; to show me where He is working in Deanna’s life; to comfort us both as we go forward into this next unknown season of our existence; to reassure us that He is there every step of the way.

Luke 18:27  And he said, The things which are impossible with men are possible with God.

Rom 8:38,39  For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come,  Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Heart, Hands, Head

We are again starting a new school year. For some of us it is just a matter of getting back into the routine of things. But for some, this is a whole new world that is as unknown as the craters on the moon. Allow me to encourage you and pray for you as you begin your journey into the unknown.

Praise ye the LORD. O give thanks unto the LORD; for he is good: for his mercy endureth for ever. Psalm 106:1

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Phillipians 4:6 & 7

This year my husband, Ralph, and I did something we should have done every year. We actually talked over this school year and our goals for our kids together. We have done this before, but God placed it on my heart to be more purposeful about it. My husband was honored. He didn’t think he’d really had a say in what we did for “school”. I hadn’t realized that I was so independent and he hadn’t realized that he’d been so disconnected. It was a great experience and I’d like to share it with you.

Step 1 – We scheduled a “date”. This is thrilling in and of itself since we get so few. Both of us looked forward to it and we agreed that we would pray for our kids each day until we went out.

Step 2 – When we went out, we went to a quiet place where we could talk without distractions. It ended up that we ate dinner at home and then went into our room and shut the door. But you could go out to a quiet restaurant, or to the park for a picnic or just up scenic drive to park (I’m sure it’s okay if you are married).

Step 3 – I had a piece of paper for each child which I had folded into thirds. At the top of the paper I wrote the child’s name and then at the top of each “column” I wrote: Heart, Hands & Head. As we talked, I wrote down the goal in each area and the plan to achieve that goal.

Heart – What is lacking spiritually in this child’s relationship with God? How can we help her strengthen that relationship? What part of the Character of Christ is she struggling with and how can we help her strengthen that character? Should we encourage her to pray more? Read her Bible more? Have more focused devotions? Talk frankly with her about what we perceive is a weakness and pray with her about it? Ralph and I had a really good discussion about each of our children’s relationship with God and what training we thought they needed. For the first time in a long time, we were on the same page in this area regarding our kids and I felt that we had a real game plan.

Hands – What life skills do we think this child needs to learn this year? Does she clean her room consistently? Does she take responsibility for her animal? Does she need to learn to cook more meals than breakfast? Does she need to learn how to check the fluid levels in her car now that she has her license? Does she need to take responsibility for a household chore that needs attention? We decided that since our girls are teens, they needed to learn to plan and prepare at least two dinner meals per week and be mostly responsible for the house.

Head – What do our child need to learn academically this year? Is she ready for the next level in math or science? Do we need to focus on skills based subjects or knowledge based subjects? (Skills = math, grammar, spelling, reading, writing, music; knowledge = science, history, literature, art appreciation, etc.) Is she reading at her level or has she been reading “fluff” this summer? Do I need to motivate her to do more math? More research? More challenging reading? What curriculum do we need to buy for her and how much will it cost? Ralph and I had a wonderful discussion about this aspect. It had been a while since I asked him about how much money we should spend and he was honored that I had.

For the first year in many, I feel more secure and better prepared than I have been in previous years. I hadn’t realized that by not “enlisting” my husband’s help, he hadn’t really known what to do to help. Now, I’m confident that I not only have a game plan but a ‘minion’ to carry it out.

Praise God that He pricks my heart and reveals things to me that I need to know. May I never become weary of His instruction or correction. I may have some experience, but I always need to learn new ways and new methods.

I hope this helps you all, too. May God lead you and guide you in coming up with your own game plan for your children this year. May He show you His will in their lives and help you ‘train them up in the way they should go.’

Nikki: A Life Well Lived

“O Death, where is thy sting! O Grave, where is thy victory!” – I Corinthians 15:55

The dry, desert ground was hard, yet we persisted, using buckets of water to soften the clay. Even then our little grave was shallow. It seemed fitting that the burial of a loved one would be difficult…doubly so because our tears blurred our eyes. We gently lay the little body into the hole and covered him with the moist dirt. Dragging rocks from our rock pile, we mounded them over his resting place. Mikayla found some bricks to make a pretty border; telling me that she knew Leila would appreciate our care for her pup.

The other two dogs solemnly watched us work from the confines of the fence. They seemed to know that their pal was gone and wouldn’t be playing with them anymore.

That morning I had taken Mikayla to work at 6 a.m. When I got back home, I let Nikki out of his kennel and went to feed our puppies. Just beginning to waddle around, they attacked the dry food and gnawed it with their still-new teeth. Then I went inside to feed the three orphan kittens we had housed in our bathtub. By this time, it was about 7 a.m.

As I came outside again to begin my walk to the Cornerstone, I realized that the yard was silent. This usually meant that the dogs had found a way out and needed to be rounded up. I called for them and Angel and Galeo came bounding up the drive. I was sure that Nikki would be right behind them and I continued to call for him as I grabbed Angel’s leash to take her with me.

Since I wasn’t sure where they were getting out of the fence, I put Galeo into his kennel, put the leash on Angel, and started down the drive still calling and whistling for Nikki. Still no sign of a bouncing terrier. I began to feel a tightening in the pit of my stomach. I think that God was preparing my heart.

As we got to the end of the drive and started up the highway, I saw a little black and white bundle on the road. I didn’t want to get any closer. I already knew that it was Nikki. Worse…Leilani was at camp and I wasn’t sure that I could reach her. What was I going to tell her?

I remember when Leilani brought Nikki home. He was so tiny. A Chihuahua/Rat Terrier mix, he slept next to her bed and cried all night. She would get annoyed and shut him in the bathroom only to feel sorry for him after a few minutes and bring him up into her bed. From then on, whenever she was around, he was sure to be close.

He caught Parvo shortly before his first birth day. He was very sick. Leilani moved her mattress from her bed to our downstairs bedroom so that she could take care of him through the night and keep him quarantined from the other dogs. Every 2 hours she would wake up and feed him some Pedialite. She even convinced our next door neighbor, a vet tech, to give him an IV because the spoon-fed liquids were not doing the job. He was sick for a week; but, thanks to her diligence, he made it through.

He became the father of the first set of Jojo’s puppies. They were such cute puppies and they all found homes pretty quickly.

Now, he is gone.

I believe that God uses his creation to show us so many things about the life that He has for us. I know that God brought Nikki into our family to teach Leilani. Through his little, helpless life, he taught her about responsibility, accountability, patience and unconditional love. She had to take responsibility for a small life that could not sustain itself without her help to feed and care for him. She learned to be accountable for his behavior and training. While he was learning, she had to be patient, knowing that he did not speak her language or think like a human…instead, she had to think like a dog in order to be effective with her training. Through his unconditional love for her, she learned about God’s unconditional love for us. His unbridled enthusiasm when she came through the gate after being gone, mirrored God’s enthusiasm for us when we come to spend time with Him.

Today, Nikki is teaching us about death. We have loved; and we have lost; and now we grieve. In his own small way, he is teaching us to deal with the inevitable. As we walk through this time of grief over a little dog – such a miniscule moment in the whole scheme of life – we learn how to deal with loss on a grander scale. If we can turn to God in thanksgiving over a dog, we will be able to turn to Him over the loss of a child or a parent.

“Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” - unknown

Leilani comes home at the end of the week. She will learn tonight that Nikki is gone. When she gets home, we will go through a new wave of grief as the rest of us rally around her to help her let go and move on to the next loved one that God will bring into her life.

My prayer today is that Ralph and I can teach her how to turn to the Greatest Comforter; how to be angry…and blame…and be sad…and forgive…and accept…and remember; how to be grateful for all of the sweet moments and life lessons that Nikki gave her; how to continue to risk loving even though loss and death will be a part of all such liaisons.

There is only victory in Death when we allow it to conquer us by holding us in the past or keeping us from loving again. There is only power in the Grave when we allow it to be our focus instead of the life well lived.

Thank you, God, for Nikki. His life was well lived. May the lessons You used him to teach be well learned.

Pomp & Circumstance

Several years ago, my oldest son, Aaron, graduated High School. At the time, we talked about having a ceremony or perhaps participating in the support group’s organized graduation. Aaron, being a typical teen, begged me not to make him wear a cap and gown and walk across a stage. He told me that he would be mortified! Unfortunately, I gave in and we had a few friends over to the house and handed him his diploma without any fuss.

Shortly after, we were up at 4 a.m. praying over him and watching as the Army recruiter took him away to boot camp. I cried. Everything felt like it had moved too fast. It felt as if there were no real closure, no official beginning; only a fuzzy feeling that something wasn’t right. I get the same feeling when we don’t start the day with devotions and prayer. The memories I have of that time are also fuzzy and confusing, muddled together with my grief at his leaving and the darkness of the early morning.

About 3months later, I was privileged to attend Aaron’s graduation from boot camp. In contrast to our “high school graduation”, it was rife with pomp and circumstance; ritual and ceremony. They stood and recited their pledges to the American flag, received awards for certain accomplishments, and each was commended for his participation and completion of a very difficult, physically grueling and emotionally taxing ordeal. They were each declared, before witnesses, a Soldier and ready to move forward into a new beginning as a member of the Army of the United States of America.

I realized that day how important ceremony was in remembering the milestones in one’s life. When marking those events, the memories that we make for our children and us, as parents, are so important to the shaping of their future. I know Aaron looks back on that day he graduated boot camp with pride and a feeling of accomplishment. I know that it encourages him when he feels inadequate. If he could go through boot camp and be declared a Warrior by his superior officer, then he can accomplish anything! Likewise, I remember his accomplishment with a feeling of closure and a clearer picture of his future.

This year, my oldest daughter, Deanna, graduated from High School. When I talked to her about a graduation ceremony, I again heard the “please don’t make me…” Thankfully, this time I didn’t give in.

Deanna stood at the back of the church in her forest green cap and gown. As I sang “The Impossible Dream” (From The Man of La Mancha), she began walking slowly down the aisle as the audience stood and honored her. When she came up onto the stage with me, I finished singing and gave her a hug.

She had worked on a PowerPoint of some of the highlights of her life, which we showed as she played “The Mirror” by Yanni on the piano. The pictures she chose represented her baby life; her childhood smiles, cooking with Papa, banging on the piano with her sister; her teen years as she cooked by herself, trained her horse, went to prom; and the last picture was her in her cap and gown doing a victory pose. The whole crowd of witnesses laughed at that one.

Her speech, prepared in between studying for some tests, was about how she had been preparing for success in life. How she had discovered that she was the only one responsible for her learning; how experiences, which she was given time in her day to experience, increased her knowledge; and how her parents had prepared her for failure, which equaled success no matter what she chose to do.

She delivered her speech with such confidence and conviction, I’m sure that everyone who heard was inspired toward their own success. I just held back tears and tried not to look at her father, who was also trying not to look like he was crying. We were so proud.

At the conclusion of her speech, she called us up onto the stage with her so that she could read a letter she had written to us. In it she thanked us for everything that we had done to help prepare her for the future. If there hadn’t been tears before, there were a few now.

As her parents, we had both written short remarks to her that we read aloud. Mine was about how I had seen her progress through the years. I told how she had developed the character that I admired through times of challenge in her past. Her father spoke a Blessing over her. He told her that God knew her even before she was born and that she was living up to the meaning of her name (Spiritual leader, consecrated to God, a servant of the King) and that she would be able, with God’s help, to face and overcome the challenges of the future. He told her that we would always be here to pray, advise, and help her if she needed us, but that, as her father, he released her into adulthood to begin her own adventure and leave her own legacy.

Everyone in the audience stood as we presented her with her Diploma. As her mother and primary teacher, I cannot tell you what a thrill this gave me. I felt like I was graduating, too. I’m pretty sure that there were not many dry eyes as I shifted her tassel from one side to the other. The applause rang out as we presented her as a graduate.

At the end of the night, we were all exhausted and exhilarated at the same time…especially Deanna. It was a night that we will all remember for the rest of our lives. It was a night that we can look back on and say “she accomplished this!” and Deanna can look back on and say “that was the day I graduated from high school!” It was a night that marked the end of a season and the beginning of another. Because there was closure of the one season, we can all help, release, guide, encourage and inspire Deanna on into the next.

Deanna – May God guide you into your future. May He be with you in your adventures. May He show you the clear path into the special future that He has for you. May He give us, your parents, the wisdom to deal with you according to this new season and help you continue your journey.

Carpe Diem!

The illimitable, silent, never-resting thing called Time, rolling, rushing on, swift, silent, like an all-embracing ocean-tide, on which we and all the universe swim like exhalations, like apparitions which are, and then are not.... ~Thomas Carlyle

It had been a long day. Homeschooling and working full time is not an easy task. Thank goodness my children are responsible (most of the time) teenagers who can do their school work with only a little oversight. I was looking forward to getting home, relaxing in front of the TV and watching a movie. However, as I was locking up the salon and putting my things together to go home, Deanna called me.

“Mom!! I got my first pay check today!!” I can almost hear her bouncing up and down on the other end of the phone. “I know it’s kinda late, but can we go to El Paso tonight?! I need to get a few things and we can’t get them here at Dollar General. Pleeeeease!! I’ll help you drive!” I wasn’t sure that last remark would help her cause.

Realize that El Paso is 120 miles from our house and it is about 5 o’clock in the evening. I have to work again tomorrow, so we have to be home by 1 p.m. the next day.

“Well, let me think it over.” I tell her as I get into my car to come home. I can hear the disappointment in her voice as she says a reluctant, “Okay.”

Several years ago, my sister and I were talking about New Year’s Resolutions. She was sharing with me that instead of making a list of resolutions she chooses a theme for the year and tries to remember it as she lives day to day. One year it was Hope, another year it was something else and so on. So, remembering these conversations, I decided to choose a theme for this year.

My daughter is graduating high school; my oldest son is having a baby; my younger son is contemplating marriage; my other daughters are flying through high school; and I am acutely aware that the “empty nest” is coming up fast. Therefore, my theme this year is: Carpe Diem! (Seize the day!). Every day I want to bear in mind the short and sweet time that I have with my children. I want to seize every moment and enjoy every hour. In a very short time, they will all be off making lives of their own in which I will play only a peripheral role.

It is with this in mind that I contemplate Deanna’s request. I could tell her that I am very tired and want to go to bed early. I could tell her that we can go another day (which may or may not happen this month). I could tell her that she will have to talk to her father and maybe he will be willing to take her. But….Carpe Diem! I believe that this is a “capturable” time and I decide that she and I will go and spend her first-ever pay check just like she has been planning since she began looking for a job.

We had a wonderful time! During the two hours there and the two hours back, we had some good conversations. We didn’t get to go to too many places, but Deanna did treat us to dinner and a movie; and she got the few things that she was wanting. We got home about 1 a.m., but the time was worth every second.

A few weeks later, Mikayla and I went to the store to get some groceries. She looked a little pensive and I asked her what was up. “We just don’t seem to have enough time together, Mom!” she told me. “Can we go out to lunch today? Do you have to be at work at 1 p.m.?” I could tell her that I have to be at work and that we will have to do it another time. I could tell her that we can’t afford it and would have to wait till next week. But…Carpe Diem!! I decide that I can go to work late (and I call my colleague to tell her) and we decide to go to our favorite Mexican restaurant.

We had a good talk over the botanas and fajita burritos with salsa. We didn’t really talk about anything important, but every moment was valuable and the fact that it was just me and her was a special thing. I got to work late, but didn’t miss any appointments and we took a bean burrito to her sister who was doing her school work at home.

As the months go by, I am trying to be aware of those times that I can put off the daily tasks (that will get done one way or another anyway) and spend those beautiful moments with my daughters. Sometimes it is just sitting outside on our porch with glasses of iced tea or water, each of us with our own books to read. Sometimes we all jump into the car and drive to El Paso to do some shopping, spend time with friends or see a movie.

A few mornings ago, I got up at my usual 7 a.m. and went to wake up the girls. I love to go into their rooms and say “Rise and Shine!” in an annoying way and hear them groan. However, that day Deanna and Leilani (who share a bed right now) looked so peaceful that I decided to join them. I climbed into bed between them and snuggled down. They cuddled up with me and we “napped” for a few minutes. It wasn’t long before Mikayla came in and joined the party. We spent the next 30 minutes giggling and tickling each other and doing our best to stay on the small double bed. Time stood still. The chores would get done, school work would be started, laundry would get cleaned and breakfast would be had --- all in time. But this moment together would never come again.

Carpe Diem!! My theme for this year. May I learn to seize each moment that I have with my children. All too soon these precious times will be gone. And…how will they learn to “seize the day” with their children if I don’t do it with them? May I never be too distracted with the mundane things in my day that I forget to put attention where it needs to be --- on the hearts and spirits of my children. May I seize each second to connect with them and cement our relationships so that when they do leave, they will return (in a good way) and cherish their time with me.

Eph 5:15 & 16
Look therefore carefully how ye walk, not as unwise, but as wise; redeeming the time, because the days are evil.

Jas 4:14
…whereas ye know not what shall be on the morrow. What is your life? For ye are a vapor, that appears for a little time, and then vanishes away.

Stress Test

American youth attributes much more importance to arriving at driver's license age than at voting age. ~ Marshall McLuhan

I looked down at my hands wondering why they hurt. My knuckles were white and fingers clenched. As soon as I relaxed my hands, the dull ache went away.

You’d think that after the first four, the fifth would be easier. Not so. I think it’s because each child is an individual; and therefore, each is individual in the way they interpret the rules of the road.

As a home schooling parent, teaching Driver’s Ed as you would any other subject seems natural. Unlike any other subject, however, there are certain risks involved…not the least of which is losing your mind.

Each time I’ve taught driving to one of the kids, it’s been a little like a stress test. How long can I last before I take the keys? Or, maybe more to the point, how long will it be before this one can’t stand me being in the car with them anymore?

We go back and forth and it usually ends with me promising not to freak out every time they hit the brakes or pass another car. I think I’ve finally realized that grabbing the driver’s leg and gasping doesn’t help.

Yesterday, my daughter, Mikayla, got her driver’s permit. When we went to sign her up to take the test, I was sure she wouldn’t pass…or maybe I was praying. I hadn’t seen her study or go over the lessons we’d taught in our curriculum. I thought, “It will be a good lesson.”

So, when my husband, who went with her, texted me and said she had passed. I was surprised. She was thrilled! Her very next communiqué to me was, “Can I drive in the dark?” I’m thinking, “Here we go again!”

I’m not really sure why the Driver’s Ed thing stresses me out so much. My kids are really good drivers. The ones with licenses have good records and our insurance payments are not too bad. They have all breezed through learning to handle a vehicle carefully and have become competent drivers. Mikayla will be the same, I’m sure.

Maybe the driving isn’t the problem so much as it is the growing up. Letting them drive a car is somewhat symbolic of acknowledging that they are now young adults who are capable of pursuing their own dreams --- apart from me.

Maybe it’s because I remember being a driving teenager…and I remember where I went driving…and the close calls I had…ok, let’s not go there.

The next morning I proposed that we go out for breakfast. As expected, Mik wanted to drive. I resigned myself and we started out.

We got on the main road and proceeded through downtown. There were a few “Brake slowly!” and “Watch your speed!” and “Not so fast in that turn!” But otherwise it went pretty well. I didn’t clench my fists and no one could see my lip that I was biting.

She parked without incident and I got out of the car before letting out my breath. Apparently, I had been holding it.

As we ate, I thanked God that our main street and downtown were only eight blocks. I tried not to think about the city driving, freeway driving or out-of-town driving.

We finished breakfast and got back into the car. As we started back home, Mik asked, “So, when can we go driving in El Paso?” I tried not to panic and managed to reply calmly, “Let’s practice here in Van Horn for a while first.”

The Lord and I are getting to be really good friends through each of my “stress tests”. I’m so glad that I have a Friend to hold my hand as I slowly learn to let go of my children…one by one. Each time I let go of a child, I cling to Him harder. And He reminds me that He can take care of them much better than I.

Deanna, my oldest daughter, and I left for El Paso that evening. She already has her driver’s license and promised to drive the two hours into town. Once we hit the city limits, I could feel my blood pressure rising. The Rat Pack in the CD player helped but not completely and I found myself clenching and gasping no matter how hard I tried not to.

After a stop at the theatre, Deanna had pity on me and gave me the keys. With a sigh of relief, I got in and turned the engine over. Seatbelts fastened, I shifted into gear and pressed the accelerator gently, determined to be a good example to my daughter. The car didn’t move. Deanna turned to me, “Mom, the car won’t go if you have it in neutral.”

Gee whiz!! In teaching my kids to drive, the stress had affected my brain! Well, maybe I was just tired. Anyway, with one more to teach to drive, I’d better learn to stress less and trust more. Don’t worry, guys! God and I are working on it!

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. Philippians 4:6