It’s funny how a glimpse back into our past can open the flood gates to so many memories. Recently, I ran into some old friends…friends I hadn’t seen in almost 20 years. Suddenly, I find myself reminiscing about that time in my life and feeling more glad every moment that I’m no longer that naïve, selfish, stupid, little girl.
Also, there is that feeling of being older and realizing how much time has gone by between dreaming about growing up and actually doing it. In the midst my feelings of relief at being a totally different person (thanks to the redemption of the Lord in my life), there is also a kind of grief, too… a grief at the loss of so many dreams that did not come to pass.
When I was a young adult, 17 - 20, I dreamed of being an opera singer or a Broadway star. I dreamed of being discovered by a talent scout and given a part in a popular play or movie. Then I dreamed of being a great Ballroom dancer/actor/singer. My life seemed to stretch into an endless panorama of promise and fame.
All of those dreams faded when I got pregnant and decided to keep the baby in the face of those who advised me to get an abortion. I owe my decision primarily to my parents who stood by me even when my husband at the time wanted me to get rid of the baby.
I held my ground, with my parent’s support, and had a beautiful baby boy -- then got post-partum depression, caught my husband in an affair, moved out of our apartment and filed for a divorce. The only thing that kept me going during that time was my darling baby. But, the casualties were my dreams, my hopes, my aspirations, which evaporated like so much smoke in the wind.
Now, looking back over that time, you’d think that I’d have so many regrets…and I do: regrets at not making better decisions about relationships, regrets about burning bridges because of my naiveté, regrets at not following through in the face of a few challenges. However, God, in His infinite mercy, gave me so much more.
Those years were not the end of my trials -- that refining fire that burns away what is wood, hay and stubble -- but only the beginning. I didn’t learn what I needed to learn at that time. I learned a lot, but not all that God had for me.
God is continually bringing people into my life who rock my very core and shape me into who He wants me to be: a church in California full of people who knew how to show God’s love; a mother of 6 who taught me the joys of allowing children to be who they are within our parental boundaries; a family of 4 who took us in when there was “no room at the inn”; a mother of 2 who offered to get a job and help support me during a tough time; a man who showed me true commitment where none had before; two young boys who taught me to love even what is not mine; a troubled teen who taught us to accept people no matter their background; three beautiful baby girls, who taught me the beauty of God’s creation; a family in Maine who taught us how to discipline in love, look to the Word for truth, accept accountability and aspire to excellence in all things; a father/pastor, who taught us to look beyond what we see; a pastor in Amarillo who taught me the true meaning of hypocrisy; some home school families who saw value in all relationships; another pastor and church who demonstrated the refuge and restoration we have in Christ; and I could go on and on.
There have been many others, who have loved, accepted, valued, cared, shaken, stirred and poured out over us according to God’s plan. We have benefited by drawing closer and closer to what God has purposed for us.
In the face of all of these experiences… in the face of all of the orchestration we see in God’s big Symphony, how can I regret that my dreams did not come to fruition? When I was willing to “delight myself in the Lord”, God was true to His promise to give me “the desires of my heart”. He put new dreams into my psyche and rewrote the pages of my longing soul to reflect the eternal purposes He had for my life.
How exciting it is to look ahead! Now, instead of my own dreams, I can say with confidence “God, what are Your dreams for me? What is Your purpose today and tomorrow? How are You going to use my talents next?”
Now, I don’t always remember His redemption and His direction; but, God always finds a way to point me toward the right path -- even if it hurts. I’m so glad that God always keeps His promises and, in particular, His promise to “never leave me nor forsake me”.
Our meeting with my old friends was great. We talked about some of the old times, but we talked more about where we are now. She has such a love for the Lord in her heart and God is really using her life and talents to bless families and couples who need a new interest in their lives. She and her husband have been married for over 18 years (I sang at their wedding), and just that fact blessed me.
Regrets? Yes, but only over how I have responded to God; not about where He has taken me. I’m so glad that I have the family and children that I do. I’m so glad that I have the friends and relationships that I have. I’m so glad that God has continually shown me mercy and grace where I merited none and given me His visions for my life.
Ps. 37:4 - Delight thyself also in the Lord; and He shall give thee the desires of thine heart.
Heb. 13:5 - …be content with such things as ye have; for he hath said “I will never leave thee nor forsake thee.”
May I continue to learn the lessons that He has and respond the way that He would have me. May I look ahead to the growing up that I still have to do and rejoice that He will do the “tending and watering”.
Sunday, July 15, 2007
Thursday, July 12, 2007
Super Woman
I aspire to be Super Woman. Really! I do. I suppose that is why I’m such a Superman fan. I’ve seen all of the episodes of Smallville, all the Superman Movies (including Superman Returns) and a couple of seasons of Lois & Clark. I love how the handsome hero saves the world in every episode and still manages to be a great guy.
I want to do great things and be the best at all of the things that are in my heart to do. I want to be the best wife and mother, the best writer, the best photographer, the best chef, the best teacher, etc. Of course, like most of us, I fail miserably a lot of the time; however, as I heard recently in Meet the Robinsons, “You learn from your failures; successes -- not so much!”
Of course, there are certain things that I don’t even attempt to be the best at -- like house keeping. I’ll never have a Better Homes and Gardens home (at least not until the children have homes of their own). I’ll never be the best at auto mechanics -- I’m lucky I know how to fill the gas tank. I’m sure that there are a host of other things that I’ll never attempt to be the best at; because God did not put them in my heart to do.
Recently, I learned a lot about being Super Woman. Perhaps it was not so much from my own failure, but it sure felt like it. It is times like this that I realize that I’m only Super Woman if I’m allowing God to be in control. Without Him, I am nothing and without His hand on my life, I cannot accomplish much.
Terence called me just as I woke on Saturday morning. My plan was to read my book for a couple of hours and then wake everyone else for breakfast and Saturday chores.
“Hey, bud. What’s up?” I asked casually. I knew he’d been with one of his friends all night and was a bit surprised to hear from him so early.
“Nothin’ much.” he said and then added, “I’m in the hospital.”
“What?!” no longer casual, I could feel myself begin to panic as I imagined all kinds of horrible things. “What happened?”
“Here’s BJ.” he gave as a reply and handed the phone off to his friend, who was with him.
BJ explained that they had been hanging out at the parking lot across from the Dollar General. They’d been skate boarding and messing around and it was about 5:30 a.m. Nothing serious. Just being boys.
Then Terence and his friend, Josue, began wrestling. They were playing around and Josue threw Terence over his shoulder. Terence landed really hard, hit his head on the pavement and blacked out for a few minutes.
BJ stretched him out and made sure that he was breathing and talked to him as he came to. He was able to get up and get some water. He was really dazed, but seemed to be okay -- that is, until a few minutes later when his friends realized that he’d asked the same questions over and over. He wasn’t remembering what they’d told him. They thought Terence was just messing with them and were getting annoyed that he kept asking what happened and why his shoulder hurt so bad.
They drove him home and were planning to just leave him on our porch and let us deal with him. BJ, however, decided to stick around and make sure that he was okay. It was a good thing that he did, too. Terence went in the house and came out almost immediately, shirtless and talking on the phone. He began to just wander down the street.
BJ realized that he wasn’t going to just get better and that something more serious could be wrong. So, he loaded him into his car and took him to the emergency room.
That’s when we got the call. I woke Ralph and we both got dressed to go to the hospital. A few minutes later, Terence called me again. He couldn’t remember if he’d called. Now, I was beginning to panic.
When we got to the ER, we signed the paperwork for a couple of CT scans and consulted with Dr. Jackson. We haven’t seen the inside of a hospital this many times since the kids were little.
Meanwhile, BJ stayed with Terence and patiently answered his questions -- the same ones over and over again. He even recorded Terence’s questions and his answers on his phone so that he could play it back and show Terence what was happening.
Terence kept saying things like “I hope I didn’t forget how to skate board” and “Thanks for sticking with me, BJ” over and over again. It was totally obvious what was important to him. He also kept saying “Did I pick a fight with someone?” and “We were just playing, right?” We could tell that he was concerned that he may have hurt someone or that one of his friends was mad at him. BJ, Ralph and I kept reassuring him over and over again.
Dr. Jackson told us that he had a stage 2 concussion and a torn ACL (one of the muscles that attaches his arm to his shoulder socket). He assured us that Terence’s memory would return, but he might not ever remember the actual accident. He also said that we shouldn’t let him out of the house for at least a week.
On our way home, Terence asked what happened at least 4 times and couldn’t remember even being at the hospital. In a way, it was funny; but it was also very scary. I kept wondering what would happen if he didn’t get any better.
We put him to bed and set a timer for 2 hours so that we could wake him up and check on him. Dr. Jackson said that we had to do that for the next 24 hours and that he needed to come to the clinic in 2 weeks for a check up.
By that evening, thank God, Terence was doing much better. He was remembering what we told him and remembered seeing some of the pictures that we had shown him a couple of hours before. He was still in lots of pain with his shoulder and was not quite himself.
The next day, he was a lot better and we took him to church with us. Of course, Ralph was continually cracking jokes about his memory loss and making him smile. I was just relieved that he was going to be okay.
When things calmed down and I had time to think, my first thought was “Why did I let him stay out with his buddies?” I should have known something might happen. Am I a failure as a parent because he got hurt?
Fortunately, I have a wonderful husband who helps me to see the truth about things sometimes. This was one of those times that I had to give the circumstances over to the Lord. There was nothing I could have done -- no way to have prevented it, no way to have minimized it, no way to have predicted it. There was no way I could have changed into my Super Suit and rescued him.
Again, I was reminded that “with God, all things are possible”, but only with God. I can’t be anything special without His help -- I can’t even be what He has called me to be with out Him.
Phillipians 4:13 -- I can do all things through Christ, which strengthens me.
May I learn to give myself over to Him and allow Him to be the Super Man in my life.
I want to do great things and be the best at all of the things that are in my heart to do. I want to be the best wife and mother, the best writer, the best photographer, the best chef, the best teacher, etc. Of course, like most of us, I fail miserably a lot of the time; however, as I heard recently in Meet the Robinsons, “You learn from your failures; successes -- not so much!”
Of course, there are certain things that I don’t even attempt to be the best at -- like house keeping. I’ll never have a Better Homes and Gardens home (at least not until the children have homes of their own). I’ll never be the best at auto mechanics -- I’m lucky I know how to fill the gas tank. I’m sure that there are a host of other things that I’ll never attempt to be the best at; because God did not put them in my heart to do.
Recently, I learned a lot about being Super Woman. Perhaps it was not so much from my own failure, but it sure felt like it. It is times like this that I realize that I’m only Super Woman if I’m allowing God to be in control. Without Him, I am nothing and without His hand on my life, I cannot accomplish much.
Terence called me just as I woke on Saturday morning. My plan was to read my book for a couple of hours and then wake everyone else for breakfast and Saturday chores.
“Hey, bud. What’s up?” I asked casually. I knew he’d been with one of his friends all night and was a bit surprised to hear from him so early.
“Nothin’ much.” he said and then added, “I’m in the hospital.”
“What?!” no longer casual, I could feel myself begin to panic as I imagined all kinds of horrible things. “What happened?”
“Here’s BJ.” he gave as a reply and handed the phone off to his friend, who was with him.
BJ explained that they had been hanging out at the parking lot across from the Dollar General. They’d been skate boarding and messing around and it was about 5:30 a.m. Nothing serious. Just being boys.
Then Terence and his friend, Josue, began wrestling. They were playing around and Josue threw Terence over his shoulder. Terence landed really hard, hit his head on the pavement and blacked out for a few minutes.
BJ stretched him out and made sure that he was breathing and talked to him as he came to. He was able to get up and get some water. He was really dazed, but seemed to be okay -- that is, until a few minutes later when his friends realized that he’d asked the same questions over and over. He wasn’t remembering what they’d told him. They thought Terence was just messing with them and were getting annoyed that he kept asking what happened and why his shoulder hurt so bad.
They drove him home and were planning to just leave him on our porch and let us deal with him. BJ, however, decided to stick around and make sure that he was okay. It was a good thing that he did, too. Terence went in the house and came out almost immediately, shirtless and talking on the phone. He began to just wander down the street.
BJ realized that he wasn’t going to just get better and that something more serious could be wrong. So, he loaded him into his car and took him to the emergency room.
That’s when we got the call. I woke Ralph and we both got dressed to go to the hospital. A few minutes later, Terence called me again. He couldn’t remember if he’d called. Now, I was beginning to panic.
When we got to the ER, we signed the paperwork for a couple of CT scans and consulted with Dr. Jackson. We haven’t seen the inside of a hospital this many times since the kids were little.
Meanwhile, BJ stayed with Terence and patiently answered his questions -- the same ones over and over again. He even recorded Terence’s questions and his answers on his phone so that he could play it back and show Terence what was happening.
Terence kept saying things like “I hope I didn’t forget how to skate board” and “Thanks for sticking with me, BJ” over and over again. It was totally obvious what was important to him. He also kept saying “Did I pick a fight with someone?” and “We were just playing, right?” We could tell that he was concerned that he may have hurt someone or that one of his friends was mad at him. BJ, Ralph and I kept reassuring him over and over again.
Dr. Jackson told us that he had a stage 2 concussion and a torn ACL (one of the muscles that attaches his arm to his shoulder socket). He assured us that Terence’s memory would return, but he might not ever remember the actual accident. He also said that we shouldn’t let him out of the house for at least a week.
On our way home, Terence asked what happened at least 4 times and couldn’t remember even being at the hospital. In a way, it was funny; but it was also very scary. I kept wondering what would happen if he didn’t get any better.
We put him to bed and set a timer for 2 hours so that we could wake him up and check on him. Dr. Jackson said that we had to do that for the next 24 hours and that he needed to come to the clinic in 2 weeks for a check up.
By that evening, thank God, Terence was doing much better. He was remembering what we told him and remembered seeing some of the pictures that we had shown him a couple of hours before. He was still in lots of pain with his shoulder and was not quite himself.
The next day, he was a lot better and we took him to church with us. Of course, Ralph was continually cracking jokes about his memory loss and making him smile. I was just relieved that he was going to be okay.
When things calmed down and I had time to think, my first thought was “Why did I let him stay out with his buddies?” I should have known something might happen. Am I a failure as a parent because he got hurt?
Fortunately, I have a wonderful husband who helps me to see the truth about things sometimes. This was one of those times that I had to give the circumstances over to the Lord. There was nothing I could have done -- no way to have prevented it, no way to have minimized it, no way to have predicted it. There was no way I could have changed into my Super Suit and rescued him.
Again, I was reminded that “with God, all things are possible”, but only with God. I can’t be anything special without His help -- I can’t even be what He has called me to be with out Him.
Phillipians 4:13 -- I can do all things through Christ, which strengthens me.
May I learn to give myself over to Him and allow Him to be the Super Man in my life.
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