Bringer of Light

My son, Aaron, and his wife, Stephanie, have faced a few challenges in their fairly new marriage. I'm so glad that he has been willing to turn to the Lord in these times and gain new perspective by listening to the Holy Spirit. The world wants us to believe that new life only begins at birth, but we know, through the Word, that new life begins much sooner. Aaron and Stephanie acknowledge this and are blessed in their walk toward the Cross. What follows is their story:


STORY ABOUT OUR MISCARRIAGE:

So Steph had the miscarriage, but what followed the news was what was so encouraging.

Most dad's don't "own" their child until they get to hold her for the first time.The moment their eyes meet, he feels like a dad and waves of joy and responsibility wash over him like an overwhelming peaceful weight. Well, when Steph told me she was pregnant, I got excited and I bought a leather-bound journal and immediately started writing to the baby. I told her I was nervous and excited and told her the current gas prices, who is president, the cost of a candy bar, what her mother and I were preparing for so that she would be protected and loved the moment she arrived.

When we had the miscarriage and all of that shattered. I didn't realize I had withdrawn, until Stephanie expressed concern; but for three days I had disconnected from the rest of the family here. Steph and I had separated a bit and my relationships became business - getting jobs done. On the third evening, Steph told me to sit next to her on the bed. She said she feared that I hadn't cried a release of our baby and I was still holding on to it. I think deep down I knew I hadn't released her, but I didn't want to and I played it off as if she wasn't real, just a fetus and not a real person and that I was crazy to be excited over something so insignificant.

I sat with her and prayed. About 15 minutes passed and I was crying aloud, cradled in Stephanie's arms. (She is so loving!) I had helped her with her coping, but I hadn't paid much attention to me. Steph said that she would like it if we prayed for a release in our hearts, not a severance of our relationship with the baby, but a release of the pain of not having her here. Well we did, which spurred more tears. Steph said she had prayed earlier that week and asked God for her name, and He gave her "Alina," which means Bringer of Light. Well, we also prayed that The Lord Jesus would keep her safe and allow us to see her.

This is where the story gets good! I prayed those words, and Jesus put me in the presence of His Grace. I'm actually tearing up now writing this. I was standing in the throne room, where Alina sat in the throne, playing a life-sized cello. Her small child's hand struggled to press down the strings and move the bow at the same time. My logic kicked in and I couldn't know how she was holding it up, until I looked back behind her and the throne where Jesus stood over her, holding up the neck of the cello with one hand and resting the other on her shoulder. She was so beautiful.... is so beautiful. When I saw her playing this, she looked up and saw me. Her expression was one of complete and serene joy. She gave me a hug, in which I felt all the love I have never felt here on earth... the purest love. I bent down and felt so guilty because deep down I think I thought it was my fault (probably a hurt I need to face some day). She grieved in front of me, and I think she noticed my pain. She said not to worry about her, and that she would be waiting for me and her mother in heaven. She then got excited.

"Look at where I am, daddy," she said with her arms gesturing to the atmosphere, and I couldn't help but laugh.

"What?" Steph asked and I told her what I had seen. For about an hour or so, Steph and I cried and laughed together about the experience.

Most dad's don't get to own their baby until they carry her for the first time. I was a dad for only a short while, but I was a dad. When I see our three kids or however many God deems to give us, I will always see one more than what we have on earth. She really did bring light into our lives even though she was with us for just a short time...and she still does.

Stephanie feels closer to her mother now, since her mom had a miscarriage before as well. Stephanie and I grew more intimate together - able to reach places with each other we weren't reaching before. We have a testimony that I can tell men who have children, are about to have a child, or maybe even lost a loved one. I told this story at church one Sunday in front of the congregation. God touched quite a few men in the room by what I experienced. I remember a lady coming up to me and telling me that she couldn't remember the last time her husband cried, considering he's a "man's man," and dutiful men don't cry; but found himself asking her for the tissues on her other side.

We decided to keep the journal and keep writing to Alina anyway; and we have written to her since then. She seems to be our 'angel' we talk to when the going gets tough sometimes. We asked her to petition to God with us to protect this new baby (now that Steph is pregnant again), and that we miss her.

I love you, Alina, and your mother and I will see you someday.

_____

And now, Stephanie is pregnant again. I won't be stagnant and void of joyful emotion. I will take the gift our Lord Jesus gave us and be evermore excited about this baby, too. I bought a journal last night, and Steph and I wrote to the baby for the first time. I will be filled with joy and constantly pray for God's favor upon our lives, as He has been providing for us as long as I have released it to Him.

The moment you let it go (whatever trial that is), is the moment Jesus can pick it up. Wouldn't you rather he held the weight? After all, isn't that what He died for?

-Aaron

Love you guys and be praying for this pregnancy!