The Ones Who Change Us

Throughout the course of our lives, many things have a hand in changing us: circumstances, our location education – other people.  As a matter of fact, as we look back at what made the biggest impact on who we have become, we may realize that certain specific relationships made the most difference for the better: mentors who spoke profoundly into our lives.

Mark Hamby of Lamplighter Publishing says, “You are the people you meet and the books you read.”  In other words, “Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.” (Proverbs 27:17).  Not just anyone you meet on the street will build your life.  Only those that become as intimate and readable as a book or who are close enough to you to shave off the rough edges.

The people who really change us are the ones that are truly present in our lives.  Those willing to hang out with us and have those long conversations of an evening (as opposed to watching TV or tapping on a smart phone).  Those that seek us out or become available when we are seeking a sounding board. Those that really care about our wholeness and internal (and eternal) life. Those that give unsolicited advice because they are that close a friend; and that close a friend that is willing to risk that friendship to tell us the truth.

When I was a young mom, I became acquainted with a mother whose youngest was the same age as my oldest.  She was about 10 years older and at least that much wiser (probably more).  She would welcome me to her house with my entourage of children and include me in their family dinners.  Her teens would play with my little toddlers and babysit my baby.  And she and I would have talks about parenthood, God, life and children that sometimes lasted well into the early morning hours.  Much of who I am today is a result of those long conversations and my relationship with her and her family.

Later, when my kids were a little older, another family came to live with us.  Again, the mom was a little older and they had four kids.  Our boys would play together and became like brothers and my girls became like her son’s little sisters.  She taught me a lot about cooking, sewing and gardening.  We would talk about all kinds of things as we prepared the evening meal for 14 in our large kitchen.  Our discussions would range from physical health to spiritual well being and from how to make a good soup to how to discipline a wayward child.  Our exchange of ideas and perusal of each other’s thoughts caused a renaissance of productivity and education for both of us.

There is a lot of talk today about role models.  Everyone and his dog is advised to be a good role model and make sure that they are a good example to the young people who might look up to them. Yet, good models only last as long as their image; and as soon as the real person shows, all of the benefit of being that good role model is gone.   Hannah Montana was great until she became Miley Cyrus.  Bill Clinton was ok until he became that Liar; Jerry Falwell was pretty awesome until he became that Adulterer; and Bill Cosby’s comedy will never be the same. Now, we remember them as less than stellar; and the only impact they made on us was to assure us of the tenuous position of balancing on a pedestal.

Admirable role models are a myth.  Anyone can be one if they work on their image, put on a mask every day and never let anyone see the real person underneath.  That means appearing in public only when super prepared and only in the right places, keeping to oneself, and never letting anyone see you behind your closed door.  As a role model, one might have some slight impact from a distance on the people crossing one’s path.  But the amount of effort necessary to keep up appearances would rival Michael Jackson’s marketing team.  Forget it!

What we all need more of in our playground are mentors.  We need someone to come alongside us and teach us more about ourselves, point out our insecurities, help smooth out our rough edges because we cannot handle ourselves with objectivity. Instead of avoiding any criticism behind our foolish façade, we need to know how others really see us. Ideally, the ones that point out our imperfections should be the ones that care about us most deeply.  They have to become as vulnerable as ourselves.

Being a mentor is almost exactly the opposite of a “role model”.  It is opening yourself to allow someone else to see the real you.  It is working on your own character even when no one is watching because when you have that long conversation into the late evening, your true colors will show through – and you want them to be mostly pretty.  It is allowing others to interrupt your life and invade your space because you care about their thoughts and ideas.  A mentor is willing to admit to his mistakes and turn them into lessons for himself and others rather than making ridiculous justifications and silly excuses.

Ahhhh…and now we come down to why we need more mentors in this world.  Many would rather wear the transparent disguise and pretend that they have arrived than show any weakness or fault in themselves.  Some of us have actually begun to believe the little lies we tell ourselves and have become used to wearing the hood.  At the other extreme, some of us may have just flipped the bird to the world and said “If you don’t like me the way I am, I don’t need you!” and continued to keep our distance.  Both reactions are an avoidance of the need to change and grow.

So we come to the real choice for each of us … if we really have a choice.  Will we be mentors or just distant role models?  Will we press on toward a chance to grow and become more than we are now or will we just take the supposedly easier road and keep our distance from the others in our lives? 

 Let me give it to you straight: if you are a parent, you don’t have a choice.  You need to be a mentor and not just a role model.  You need to be in the trenches getting real and choosing to be present in your child’s life. And I mean not just there but really THERE – listening, reacting, interacting, forgiving, confessing, loving, focusing, and being vulnerable to your kids.  If you want to build and shape their lives for the better, you have to be deliberate and realize your role as a mentor.

If you aren’t a parent right now, you can still choose to be a mentor; but it’s not easy or comfortable.  Although you may have a choice to press in or back away, let’s face it: most will see right through the mask you might hide behind.  When they see the real you and you don’t own it, you will have lost the credibility to be even a good role model.

As we start this New Year (yipes! Another year!), I am challenging myself to choose the harder road to become someone better.  I will need others who care about me to help shape me.  I will need a mentor.  More importantly, if I really want to grow, I must humble myself and become one.

Order & Routine

I must govern the clock, not be governed by it. - Golda Meir

Raise your hand if you’re a home schooling mom who has ever decided to schedule her day. I’m sure there are quite a few hands if I could see them. Much of the time, my frustration has been that I have either scheduled and it didn’t work or I didn’t know where to start. It may be the same for some of you. For me it went something like this:

We got super excited after attending the home school conference at the beginning of the year. We purchased new curriculum and acquired new knowledge that we wanted to cram into that gray matter between our children’s ears and we said to ourselves: “We’ve got to get organized this year!” Then we began by sitting down and writing out a schedule – Wake up @ 7 am; Breakfast @ 8 am; Math @ 8:30; Spelling @ 9; etc. Once we had scheduled our day down to every 15-minute increment, we posted the schedule on the refrigerator and vowed to follow it to the T!

It usually took me to about Thanksgiving to realize that I hadn’t followed our schedule for about 2 months and to wonder why we still had it posted on the refrigerator. (I needed that magnet for the Thanksgiving Menu!) After a long sigh, the schedule found its way to file thirteen and we went on our way. Somehow we managed without a schedule and the kids had their gray matter filled to the brim (almost). After all these years, I have discovered that my family didn’t really crave a schedule; but they did crave a routine.

We, as mothers, know that our children need order in their day. We realize that when they have something to look forward to and can predict what comes next, our job is easier and they are happier. We know something must be done and we must drive it…thus the schedule. We have the right idea; but I propose that there is a better way. Allow a seasoned veteran give you a few tips (seasoned just means I’ve learned the hard way). What you need is routine; not schedule.

I have come to define routine as: the order of the day. Rather than using time to define what we do when, I use a list of “First this…then this”. Instead of trying to lock us into set hours in the day, we have come to value order; and what drives our routine is habit instead of the clock.

The first habit I want my children to have is the habit of rising early. I agree with Benjamin Franklin, who said “Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise.” I also realize that once they are out on their own, there will be very few jobs to be had that will not require rising early. So the first order of routine is to get out of bed before 7:30 am.

The next important habit is exercise. Being over 40, I am acutely aware of the value of exercise as a daily habit and I want my children to have the same habit. So, the easiest exercise to do anywhere or anytime is walking. It is also the most effective exercise we can do. Thus the next in our line of routine: After rising, we go for a walk.

Another important habit for us to have is eating a good, healthy breakfast and we do that after our walk. Sometimes showers, clean up and brushing teeth come before or after and they each decide for themselves. Since they are tall enough to reach the counter, I usually encourage them to take turns making breakfast for the rest of us.

The habit of reading God’s Word daily and praying is one of the best habits. Therefore, the next thing on our list is Devotions. We usually read something from Scripture and then pray about our day, people who are sick and our own personal requests. This 15 or 20 minutes is one of the most important in our routine. I feel extremely discombobulated if, for some reason, we don’t have Devotions. It helps us to connect with each other and with God before we start the difficulties of our day.

If I can teach my children to do the more difficult tasks first, then I have taught them to make their days easier. The habit of tackling the hard things will come in handy in a job, at home or at college. Thus the next order of business for the day is the hardest subject; usually math or science. The rest of “school” is usually priority driven and each day has its priority subjects: Tuesday is Greek and Government, Wednesday is Grammar and World History, etc. Once the hardest subject is conquered, the rest of their work goes like clockwork.

The day continues with our list of “First this…then this”: first you finish your Greek exercises and then it will be lunch; first thing after lunch is reading and then finish your assignments; first you must do chores and then you can entertain yourself (another good habit) or go off to your afternoon job. In this way, we get much done and feel a sense of accomplishment at the end of the day --- most of the time.

Early in my motherhood career, my dear friend taught me the value of a bedtime routine with my then-young children. I realized that when we had a routine before bed, mom and dad would get a little alone time before turning in ourselves. So, when bedtime came, first we would put on PJs, then we would brush our teeth and then snuggle into bed for a story. It didn’t really matter when bedtime started (8 p.m. or 9 p.m. or 10 p.m.) it just mattered that we maintained the same order and “ritual”. To this day, my children usually follow this routine. In fact, most of them cannot sleep until they have read their books at the end of the day.

Anytime we get away from our routine, we feel a little out of whack. After a vacation or road trip, we are always happy to get back to our routine. After Christmas break or summer excursions, it always feels good to get back on track. Having a routine gives us all a framework on which to hang our daily activities and gives us a context in which to fit our extra appointments. Without a routine, I fear that our lives would be chaos and our time would be wasted. And yet, with a routine, there is always room for flexibility but with some security to fall back on.

The best test of our routine came when I was sick one day with the flu. I couldn’t get out of bed at all, much less at 7:30 a.m. However, the children did and took their walk. They came home and fixed breakfast, checked on me, prayed over me, and went to tackle their math and follow their priorities for their school work. When I was able to drag myself out of bed at three in the afternoon for some water, I found them in the kitchen amiably doing their chores before they did their “fun” stuff. I was able to go back to bed knowing that all was well. You see, routine has another benefit: it runs by itself; and isn’t that the whole point?

Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it. Proverbs 22:6

Here’s my version: “Train your child in a good routine and when he gets older it will be something that he comes back to for the rest of his life.”

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This will be a new experience. Hopefully, I'll be able to communicate with all of my family and friends effortlessly. I'm not a really computer literate person, however, if I try, I know that I can achieve great things and bring together a community of family.