Throughout the course of our lives, many things have a hand
in changing us: circumstances, our location education – other people. As a matter of fact, as we look back at what
made the biggest impact on who we have become, we may realize that certain
specific relationships made the most difference for the better: mentors who
spoke profoundly into our lives.
Mark Hamby of Lamplighter Publishing
says, “You are the people you meet
and the books you read.” In other words,
“Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.” (Proverbs 27:17). Not just anyone you meet on the street will build
your life. Only those that become as
intimate and readable as a book or who are close enough to you to shave off the
rough edges.
The people who really change
us are the ones that are truly present in our lives. Those willing to hang out with us and have
those long conversations of an evening (as opposed to watching TV or tapping on
a smart phone). Those that seek us out
or become available when we are seeking a sounding board. Those that really
care about our wholeness and internal (and eternal) life. Those that give
unsolicited advice because they are that close a friend; and that close a
friend that is willing to risk that friendship to tell us the truth.
When I was a young mom, I
became acquainted with a mother whose youngest was the same age as my
oldest. She was about 10 years older and
at least that much wiser (probably more).
She would welcome me to her house with my entourage of children and
include me in their family dinners. Her
teens would play with my little toddlers and babysit my baby. And she and I would have talks about
parenthood, God, life and children that sometimes lasted well into the early
morning hours. Much of who I am today is
a result of those long conversations and my relationship with her and her
family.
Later, when my kids were a
little older, another family came to live with us. Again, the mom was a little older and they
had four kids. Our boys would play
together and became like brothers and my girls became like her son’s little
sisters. She taught me a lot about
cooking, sewing and gardening. We would
talk about all kinds of things as we prepared the evening meal for 14 in our
large kitchen. Our discussions would
range from physical health to spiritual well being and from how to make a good
soup to how to discipline a wayward child.
Our exchange of ideas and perusal of each other’s thoughts caused a renaissance
of productivity and education for both of us.
There is a lot of talk today
about role models. Everyone and his dog
is advised to be a good role model and make sure that they are a good example
to the young people who might look up to them. Yet, good models only last as long
as their image; and as soon as the real person shows, all of the benefit of
being that good role model is gone.
Hannah Montana was great until she became Miley Cyrus. Bill Clinton was ok until he became that Liar;
Jerry Falwell was pretty awesome until he became that Adulterer; and Bill Cosby’s
comedy will never be the same. Now, we remember them as less than stellar; and
the only impact they made on us was to assure us of the tenuous position of
balancing on a pedestal.
Admirable role models are a
myth. Anyone can be one if they work on
their image, put on a mask every day and never let anyone see the real person
underneath. That means appearing in
public only when super prepared and only in the right places, keeping to
oneself, and never letting anyone see you behind your closed door. As a role model, one might have some slight
impact from a distance on the people crossing one’s path. But the amount of effort necessary to keep up
appearances would rival Michael Jackson’s marketing team. Forget it!
What we all need more of in
our playground are mentors. We need
someone to come alongside us and teach us more about ourselves, point out our
insecurities, help smooth out our rough edges because we cannot handle
ourselves with objectivity. Instead of avoiding any criticism behind our
foolish façade, we need to know how others really see us. Ideally, the ones
that point out our imperfections should be the ones that care about us most deeply. They have to become as vulnerable as
ourselves.
Being a mentor is almost
exactly the opposite of a “role model”.
It is opening yourself to allow someone else to see the real you. It is working on your own character even when
no one is watching because when you have that long conversation into the late
evening, your true colors will show through – and you want them to be mostly pretty. It is allowing others to interrupt your life
and invade your space because you care about their thoughts and ideas. A mentor is willing to admit to his mistakes
and turn them into lessons for himself and others rather than making ridiculous
justifications and silly excuses.
Ahhhh…and now we come down to
why we need more mentors in this world.
Many would rather wear the transparent disguise and pretend that they
have arrived than show any weakness or fault in themselves. Some of us have actually begun to believe the
little lies we tell ourselves and have become used to wearing the hood. At the other extreme, some of us may have
just flipped the bird to the world and said “If you don’t like me the way I am,
I don’t need you!” and continued to keep our distance. Both reactions are an avoidance of the need
to change and grow.
So we come to the real choice
for each of us … if we really have a choice.
Will we be mentors or just distant role models? Will we press on toward a chance to grow and
become more than we are now or will we just take the supposedly easier road and
keep our distance from the others in our lives?
Let me give it to you straight: if you are a
parent, you don’t have a choice. You
need to be a mentor and not just a role model.
You need to be in the trenches getting real and choosing to be present
in your child’s life. And I mean not just there but really THERE – listening,
reacting, interacting, forgiving, confessing, loving, focusing, and being
vulnerable to your kids. If you want to
build and shape their lives for the better, you have to be deliberate and
realize your role as a mentor.
If you aren’t a parent right now,
you can still choose to be a mentor; but it’s not easy or comfortable. Although you may have a choice to press in or
back away, let’s face it: most will see right through the mask you might hide
behind. When they see the real you and
you don’t own it, you will have lost the credibility to be even a good role
model.
As we start this New Year
(yipes! Another year!), I am challenging myself to choose the harder road to
become someone better. I will need
others who care about me to help shape me.
I will need a mentor. More
importantly, if I really want to
grow, I must humble myself and become one.
