The Ones Who Change Us

Throughout the course of our lives, many things have a hand in changing us: circumstances, our location education – other people.  As a matter of fact, as we look back at what made the biggest impact on who we have become, we may realize that certain specific relationships made the most difference for the better: mentors who spoke profoundly into our lives.

Mark Hamby of Lamplighter Publishing says, “You are the people you meet and the books you read.”  In other words, “Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.” (Proverbs 27:17).  Not just anyone you meet on the street will build your life.  Only those that become as intimate and readable as a book or who are close enough to you to shave off the rough edges.

The people who really change us are the ones that are truly present in our lives.  Those willing to hang out with us and have those long conversations of an evening (as opposed to watching TV or tapping on a smart phone).  Those that seek us out or become available when we are seeking a sounding board. Those that really care about our wholeness and internal (and eternal) life. Those that give unsolicited advice because they are that close a friend; and that close a friend that is willing to risk that friendship to tell us the truth.

When I was a young mom, I became acquainted with a mother whose youngest was the same age as my oldest.  She was about 10 years older and at least that much wiser (probably more).  She would welcome me to her house with my entourage of children and include me in their family dinners.  Her teens would play with my little toddlers and babysit my baby.  And she and I would have talks about parenthood, God, life and children that sometimes lasted well into the early morning hours.  Much of who I am today is a result of those long conversations and my relationship with her and her family.

Later, when my kids were a little older, another family came to live with us.  Again, the mom was a little older and they had four kids.  Our boys would play together and became like brothers and my girls became like her son’s little sisters.  She taught me a lot about cooking, sewing and gardening.  We would talk about all kinds of things as we prepared the evening meal for 14 in our large kitchen.  Our discussions would range from physical health to spiritual well being and from how to make a good soup to how to discipline a wayward child.  Our exchange of ideas and perusal of each other’s thoughts caused a renaissance of productivity and education for both of us.

There is a lot of talk today about role models.  Everyone and his dog is advised to be a good role model and make sure that they are a good example to the young people who might look up to them. Yet, good models only last as long as their image; and as soon as the real person shows, all of the benefit of being that good role model is gone.   Hannah Montana was great until she became Miley Cyrus.  Bill Clinton was ok until he became that Liar; Jerry Falwell was pretty awesome until he became that Adulterer; and Bill Cosby’s comedy will never be the same. Now, we remember them as less than stellar; and the only impact they made on us was to assure us of the tenuous position of balancing on a pedestal.

Admirable role models are a myth.  Anyone can be one if they work on their image, put on a mask every day and never let anyone see the real person underneath.  That means appearing in public only when super prepared and only in the right places, keeping to oneself, and never letting anyone see you behind your closed door.  As a role model, one might have some slight impact from a distance on the people crossing one’s path.  But the amount of effort necessary to keep up appearances would rival Michael Jackson’s marketing team.  Forget it!

What we all need more of in our playground are mentors.  We need someone to come alongside us and teach us more about ourselves, point out our insecurities, help smooth out our rough edges because we cannot handle ourselves with objectivity. Instead of avoiding any criticism behind our foolish façade, we need to know how others really see us. Ideally, the ones that point out our imperfections should be the ones that care about us most deeply.  They have to become as vulnerable as ourselves.

Being a mentor is almost exactly the opposite of a “role model”.  It is opening yourself to allow someone else to see the real you.  It is working on your own character even when no one is watching because when you have that long conversation into the late evening, your true colors will show through – and you want them to be mostly pretty.  It is allowing others to interrupt your life and invade your space because you care about their thoughts and ideas.  A mentor is willing to admit to his mistakes and turn them into lessons for himself and others rather than making ridiculous justifications and silly excuses.

Ahhhh…and now we come down to why we need more mentors in this world.  Many would rather wear the transparent disguise and pretend that they have arrived than show any weakness or fault in themselves.  Some of us have actually begun to believe the little lies we tell ourselves and have become used to wearing the hood.  At the other extreme, some of us may have just flipped the bird to the world and said “If you don’t like me the way I am, I don’t need you!” and continued to keep our distance.  Both reactions are an avoidance of the need to change and grow.

So we come to the real choice for each of us … if we really have a choice.  Will we be mentors or just distant role models?  Will we press on toward a chance to grow and become more than we are now or will we just take the supposedly easier road and keep our distance from the others in our lives? 

 Let me give it to you straight: if you are a parent, you don’t have a choice.  You need to be a mentor and not just a role model.  You need to be in the trenches getting real and choosing to be present in your child’s life. And I mean not just there but really THERE – listening, reacting, interacting, forgiving, confessing, loving, focusing, and being vulnerable to your kids.  If you want to build and shape their lives for the better, you have to be deliberate and realize your role as a mentor.

If you aren’t a parent right now, you can still choose to be a mentor; but it’s not easy or comfortable.  Although you may have a choice to press in or back away, let’s face it: most will see right through the mask you might hide behind.  When they see the real you and you don’t own it, you will have lost the credibility to be even a good role model.

As we start this New Year (yipes! Another year!), I am challenging myself to choose the harder road to become someone better.  I will need others who care about me to help shape me.  I will need a mentor.  More importantly, if I really want to grow, I must humble myself and become one.

Stress Together

“I have figured out exactly what the problem is, hon.” Ralph had been in the kitchen talking with one of his best friends.  Evidently, they had been discussing the various issues that they faced with their families.  I had interrupted their conversation by my unexpected early arrival home from work.

He was standing on one side of the kitchen island and I took up a position on the other side.  Looking at me very intensely and putting both of his hands, palms down on the counter, he declared, “You give me stress!”

At first, I just stared.  And then, to both men’s amazement, I began to laugh.  I laughed so hard that they were afraid that I couldn't stop.  I laughed enough to make them both start laughing themselves without really knowing why.  You might be asking, what was there to laugh about….  Well, I was thinking “Who gives who stress?!”

Flashbacks…

… Ralph makes me the mother of 4 over night.

… Ralph is out to sea while I am pregnant and have to move into our new apartment by myself.

… Ralph has a major car accident which effectively ends his military career about 3 years too soon.

… Ralph moves us to Maine.

… Ralph and I fail in our first attempt at our own business and we lose money.

… Ralph moves us to Amarillo and I get assaulted at a rest stop on the way.

… Ralph gets laid off of work and we lose our house.

… Ralph opens a coffee shop which doesn’t pay the bills…my income totally sustains us and the family living with us.

… Today, he is undergoing triple bypass surgery on his heart. 

We have laughed over the years about the “You give me stress.” comment.  He insists that his heart is proof of the truth of that statement.  I don’t know.  But I do realize that with all the things that we have gone through together, as much as each event in our history has put me under stress, they have put him under stress, too.

In so many cases over the years, I have seen only my own stress and my own hardships in the difficult events in our lives.  Recently, I have begun to realize that his stress was not only as great as my own but, perhaps, even more so because of his position as head of our household. 

Today, I am facing the possibility that I won’t have him anymore…that I may have to face the world and its stresses without the broad shoulders of my dearest friend and ally to help bear the load.   I have been challenged to reevaluate the past in light of his leadership and God-given position. 

Flashbacks…

…I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl and Ralph just happened to call in time to be involved while my friend cut the cord.  We became a family of six with so much support and help that we both learned to be better parents as we went along.

…Ralph came home from overseas just in time to help me give birth to my second baby girl.  He was there during the C-section and was able to stay home for a few days to help.

…The car accident was not fatal (even though the car looked like it could have been) and it brought us back together as a family…and he was able to stay in the military for another 3 years.  Those were spent as a corrections officer in the Brig.

…Our move to Maine changed our lives – spiritually, physically and emotionally – for the better.  The family we lived with taught us a lot about life in Christ, home schooling, parenting and healthy living.  Lessons we have never forgotten.

…Our failed business taught us so many things…not the least of which was how to do business ethically and biblically.

…Ralph was and is my hero.  Whenever I am in doubt about my value, I remember his rescue of me at that Rest Stop in Tennessee.

…When we lost our house right after our move to Van Horn, our whole family learned the value of having nothing.  It gave us so much freedom and kept us from overspending and borrowing – because we couldn’t.  We learned how to live debt free.

…The Coffee Shop was a HUGE success…but not monetarily.  God showed up and taught us to trust Him in a REAL way.  Those lessons were so much more valuable than money.

Heart surgery is a scary thing.  My heart longs to give him its own help and strength.  However, I have to trust God to bring him through.  Whatever stress we face, we face it together and I want to do whatever I can to acknowledge the stress that he feels in the various other challenges we will have.  I think that I am just now beginning to learn what “dying to self” is really all about.

Rom 12:3  For I say, through the grace given unto me, to every man that is among you, not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think; but to think soberly, according as God hath dealt to every man the measure of faith.

A Real Education - Educating for the 10th Generation

“I think you are confusing what you are learning in school with a real education.”  Baba to Amir in The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini

The high schoolers in our home school co-op and I had a wonderful year reading literature from around the world.  One of the books we read was The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini.  The story inspired a lot of discussion amongst us and we learned more about Afghanistan than we thought we needed to know. 

However, the above scene really brought home one of the reasons that we home school – institutions do not have a handle on a real education.

“I never let school interfere with my education.”  Mark Twain

This brings us to the question “What is a real education?”  Everyone and his secretary have been trying to answer this question for the last decade (and probably the last 5 decades).  The President, Congress, The National Board of Governors, the National Education Agency, local school districts, CSCOPE…and we could go on and on, have been trying to define it.   Yet, no matter how many times they try to come up with standards, guidelines, tests or objectives; they don’t seem to be any closer to an answer. 

The only ones who could really give an answer to this question aren’t even being consulted – namely parents and children.  A real education is inherently different for each child – so how could a national, state or local bureaucracy ever hope to define what it would be for every child?  Even in this tirade, I could not begin to pin down a real education for any child outside of my own. However, I would like to share with you a few things I have learned about a real education for my kids, which I think might ring true about yours, too.

Several years ago I happened to be watching the Oprah Winfrey Show.  I would normally never watch something like that so I must have been trapped in a doctor’s office somewhere at the time.  Nevertheless, she was interviewing Suzy Welch, the author of 10-10-10.  I would like to read this book sometime (it appears on my list somewhere below The Abolition of Man by C.S. Lewis and Reforming Education by Mortimer Adler); however, as Ms. Welch revealed the premise, I thought it was excellent!  She was explaining that she had written about priorities…ordering your worries, tasks and time according to what would matter in 10 minutes, 10 months or 10 years.  It really made me think!

Ten minutes from now, is it really going to matter that my daughter spilled something on the floor?  Ten months from now will it really matter that I didn’t get all of the laundry done today?  Ten years from now will it really matter that my son got 70% on his latest biology quiz?  Thinking of life from this perspective made me think about what I get uptight about and what I let slide.  Ten years from now will it matter that I insisted my children tell the truth no matter what?

I would like to add another 10 to the list.  What is really going to matter 10 generations from now? What is important for my children to learn now that will impact the next 10 generations?  There is only one thing that I can think of:  learning to know, love and serve a Living God. 

A real education is not about just our own children.  Of course, we want them to know things and be successful in life; but we also want them to teach their children the important things in life in such a way as to inspire their children to teach their children.  In educating our children, we cannot just focus on what they need to know to live but what they need to pass on to the next generation.  Everything that we teach – or DON’T teach – will be passed down to the next generation in some way.  Wouldn’t it be better to be purposeful about this “passing down” rather than just letting it happen?  This idea sheds a whole new light on what it is to educate my children.

The things we choose to teach and the priorities in which we teach them will impact generations to come.  Here’s the math for my family:  If my 6 children each had only 4 children (and I hope they have more) and their children had 4 children and so on, this is how many people will be influenced by our family’s home education:

                2^nd Generation – 24

                3^rd Generation – 96 (the size of a small church)

                4^th Generation – 384 (the size of a growing church) – I may still be alive then.

                5^th Generation – 1,536 (the size of a small town)

                6^th Generation – 6,144

                7^th Generation – 24,576

                8^th Generation – 98,304

                9^th Generation – 393,216

                10^th Generation -  1.6 million

This is not including their spouses, friends, coworkers or others that God may bring across their paths.  It’s incredible!!  It makes me look at our own generation and the society we live in and wonder what happened 10 generations ago.

So, what is our greatest priority?  What should be the one thing that we teach – every day, every conversation, every situation, and at every opportunity?

Deu 6:5 – 9:  You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might.  And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart.  You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise.  You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes.   You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates. (NIV)

Everything that we teach must be focused on knowing, loving and serving a Living God.  Not just for our children’s sake but for the sake of the generations that will follow.  If I neglect to teach my children to know, love and serve God, I am neglecting the real education of 1.6 million people.

God tells us to “teach them diligently to YOUR children” – not someone else’s, not allow someone else to teach yours; but to teach YOUR children.   Some have said that this is why they have children’s ministry at church; but that is not what this means.  If you are teaching in children’s ministry, but you have no devotion or prayer at home with your own children every day – you are neglecting the most important mission God has given you!!

He tells us that we are to teach these things at every opportunity and especially while we “walk by the way”.  At that time, the Israelites spent the majority of their time walking!  They had no other transportation.  They spent LOTS of time walking along the way.  This means teach them “the majority of the time you have with them”.  You cannot possibly teach them to know, love and serve God in less than 4 hours a day.  YOU must have the majority of their time and use that time to teach them about God and His plan and purpose for their lives.

How do we purposely influence our children so that they will pass on these values, truths and faith to the next generation in such a way that they purposely pass them down to their children and so on?

How many things can you think of in your own lives which were influenced by your parents and their words, ways of doing things, traditions, aversions, careers, etc.?  Even in our own lives today, we can see we are influenced by our parents and grandparents.  We’ve all experienced those moments when we stop short and think “Wow!  I just sounded exactly like my mother!”

My mother would be driving us somewhere in the car and would observe a reckless driver whiz past.  She would turn to me and say, “There is an accident going somewhere to happen!”  Just that observation taught me that reckless driving was a bad thing and could cause accidents.  In turn it affected my driving and how I observed those drivers around me.  Now, I say the same thing to my own children and I believe that it is having the same effect on them.

Now, down to practical matters.  What can we do to influence our children for the generations that will follow?

“and [you] shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise.”

I am seeing that God had a plan: frequency, intensity and duration.  Frequency being those daily habits that become instilled almost without thinking – “when you sit in your house”.  Intensity being those moments that we create to inspire and remember – “when you lie down and when you rise”.  Duration being the length of time that we do both of the above – from the time our children are born until the time that we die – “when you walk by the way”.

Frequency.  Habits can be accidental or purposeful and have to do with the daily moments in our lives. These are the daily and even hourly choices that we make – choices that are at first conscious and then, when frequently made, become unconscious.  Choices become habits with lots of practice.  Habits have nothing to do with feelings or wants but can be tied to them and become destructive if we aren’t vigilant.  Habits fall into 3 categories:

                Spiritual Habits – prayer, devotion, pursuing God in Scripture, forgiveness, charity, humility, honor, obedience, thankfulness, patience, respect, optimism, hope.

My father gathered us around the table each night after dinner and read to us from the Bible and taught us from it.  We would have lively discussions (some of which would frustrate my dad) and pray and encourage each other in our faith.  He would answer our questions with Scripture and challenge us to memorize certain passages.  At one time he even taught us the Greek alphabet so that we might be inspired to read the Scripture in its original language.  Today, my kids and I try to have a time of reading Scripture and prayer every morning.  In fact, on the mornings that we don’t have our devotions, I feel a little out of sync with the world.  Devotions have become a habit in our daily routine.

Even more important is exercising those habits of the heart taught in Scripture.  Do we teach our children to respond to their neighbors with respect, forgiveness, and humility?  Do we teach them to be thankful in all things and see the bright side to every coin?  Are these habits – things that they do without even thinking?  That should be our goal.  In this area, it is not so much about what we do to instill them as what we don’t do.  The heart left to itself is only wicked continually.

                Mental Habits.   We choose how we think (“bring every thought captive to the will of Christ”) and can choose to think positively, proactively, and selflessly.  We can learn to dwell on those things which are lovely, true, excellent, and worthy of praise.  When bad things happen, we can learn to think about them from God’s perspective and learn from trials and suffering instead of dwelling on the negative and becoming bitter.  We can cultivate these habits in our children by responding rightly ourselves and coaching them to respond rightly when they have trying circumstances themselves.

There is so much “drama” happening in our society today.  With the advent of computers and cell phones, so much of our kids relationships have the potential of being “all in their heads”.  FaceBook, Twitter, Instagram, Pintrest, and other social networks make it so easy to make something out of nothing.  Are we teaching our children to properly use these tools or are we in denial about how much damage they can do?  Even my pastor and his wife are caught up in the “drama” of FaceBook.  Well, it isn’t real!!  It is manufactured drama out of the minds of those who are not “taking captive every thought to the will of Christ.”

We must teach our children to control their thoughts, which in turn help them control their emotions and their words and actions.  They CAN exercise the habit of controlling how they think about the situations, circumstances and relationships that they encounter.

                Physical Habits – caring for the body, making good food choices, smiling, speaking positive words, encouraging others, “do not complain and grumble about anything, but in everything give thanks.”, rising early, reading, learning, talking about God & His will in your daily routine, working diligently, completing tasks, etc.  Sometimes we call these Character Traits.  The Bible says that “a good reputation is better than gold”.  These are the actions that cause others to place value on our Character.

I have a good friend who is such a hard worker that he is frequently praised by his peers for his work ethic and honesty.  Those who know him well would do anything for him and would put their lives in his hands without a second thought.  That is the kind of reputation I want and we should want for our children.

Recently, I was talking to my daughter about her employment.  We both agreed that we should always want our boss plotting ways to keep us in his employment – instead of plotting ways to get rid of us.  She has a habit of smiling at everyone, being on time, and dressing professionally.  These things make her a valuable employee and, more importantly, a good reflection of who God is in her life.

Another friend has a daughter who is constantly complaining about everything.  No one wants her around.  No one wants to babysit or to have her a part of any gathering.  Incidentally, these same people feel the same way about her mother.  If we are constantly complaining, we are not doing our children any favors.  The habit of complaining can become a big problem if we don’t replace it with the habit of encouragement, thankfulness and praise.

In light of a real education, one that will stand the test of 10 generations, are we teaching our children good habits on purpose or are we allowing our daily lives to just “float” along?  Let’s be purposeful in how we train our children’s habits because they will definitely be taught to our children’s children.

Intensity.  The human race is programmed to put importance upon Ceremony and Ritual.  We find all through the Old Testament that God chose to teach His people through Ceremony and Ritual.  There were several Feast Days every year that the Israelites were supposed to keep.   In each one, they reenacted the event that it commemorated.

Consider also the building of alters at various times.  When the Israelites crossed the Red Sea and when they crossed the Jordan River.  They were told to build alters specifically so that “when your children ask ‘What is this for?’ you are to tell them…”

Today we have weddings and baptisms.  Both of these occasions are meant to convey deep commitments and lasting values.  Sometimes these events just become big parties at which people gather to have a good time; but, it is a mistake to miss the opportunity to communicate these truths to our children in such an intense and memorable way.

In addition, we have little rituals that cement ideas into our brains.  Do remember praying “Now I lay me down to sleep…” before bed?  I do and it taught me an important truth: God is watching over me always.  When the kids were little, we decided to institute a ritual “blessing” before bed each night.  We spoke over them what we believed God had blessed them with that day and then prayed with them before sleep.  I believe this helped them become confident that God has a purpose for them; not because of the ritual itself, but because we sincerely believed that they needed to hear it each night.

Duration.  What we do consistently and over the long haul, will ultimately determine the direction our children will go.  “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it.” (Prov. 23:6) Therefore, a real education will use all the tools we have at our disposal over a duration of time to train our children to follow God…including academics.

Academics are only tools.  We cannot teach Algebra so that our children will pass a test or get a good score on an SAT.  We must use Algebra as a tool to teach our children about an orderly God who gives us many ways to know and understand Him and what he has created.  We cannot teach Biology or Chemistry so that our kids will pass the textbook quizzes.  We must use Science to teach our children about God’s universe that He purposely designed for His Glory and how it reflects His love and care for us.  When academics become the goal, they become our god.

Ultimately, the only things that we can take with us when we die are our children…to Heaven.  So, we are training them for Heaven, not Harvard.  I don’t know about you, but I want to take my grandchildren and great grandchildren and the following generations to Heaven, too.

“…the sins of the fathers will visit themselves upon the 3^rd and 4^th generations; but the blessings of the Lord will visit the righteous even unto the 1000^th generation.”

This year, I am continuing to change how I think about each and every day of our “educational program” and am beginning to realize that it’s not so much about academics as it is about teaching and training with Heaven in mind.  I am counting on the blessings that God has promised, knowing that He will keep His promises and I won’t have to worry about how my children will get along in this world.  If I use academics as the tools that He’s given me, they won’t lack in that area either.  Indeed, God is already showing me His faithfulness.

“I have no greater joy than to hear that my children walk in truth.”  I John 3:

The Princess & the Field

Football is made up of all kinds of conflict. In a dressing room, between players, between us and the manager, between us and loads of people who don't seem to matter. It's constant and harsh sometimes.--  Wayne Rooney 

I think I realize now why so many fairy tales involve a King locking up his princess in the castle.  Not so much because of ‘Prince Charming’, but because he just doesn't want to see her leave!  Ralph & I have had a much more difficult time seeing our oldest daughter, Deanna, move out and try the world on  her own than we did any of our three boys.  We all miss her being here to tease and talk to.  It’s all we can do to keep from calling her every day just to hear how her day is going.

It used to be that our house was frequently filled with children of all ages.  When my youngest was 2 or 3, it was not unusual for us to have 14 or 15 children over for dinner (everyone had to have a friend or two if the others did).  In fact, at that time we lived with another family who had four children.  Then our babies got older and we had a house full of teenagers every weekend – playing Xbox tournaments, jumping on the trampoline or watching a movie.

Now, our world is getting smaller and much less complicated – and empty!  (Instead of 14, we have only 5 or 6.) We watch our children leave the nest one by one and plunge  into the icy waters of the real world hoping that we have taught them enough to keep them afloat; or better yet, to swim successfully.  Needless to say, it’s nerve-wracking!

This season feels a little bit like we are watching our children’s world from the sidelines; cheering on a favorite football team from the nose-bleed section of the bleachers.  Our cheers and directives are loud in our own ears but we aren't really sure if the players can even distinguish us from the others in the crowd.  Occasionally, we will hear a comment from the referees or the commentators about how our daughter is doing, but we are no longer welcome on the field.

Then one day, we get a call and are invited into the locker room:

“Mom!” her voice sounded a little shaky on the phone.

“Hey!  Honey, what’s up?” I tried to sound casual.

“Not much.” I could tell that she really meant ‘Too much!’

“Ok. Talk to me.  You can tell me anything.” I told her, trying to reassure her.

“Mom!  I feel like my whole life is falling apart!  I can’t find a job, this next test is hard, and there is this boy…” she began to cry into the phone.

My heart broke and I started to cry, too.  At that moment, I realized both what I must have put my own mother through and that parenting doesn't end when the bird leaves the nest.  I wanted to go and put my pads on and dust off my helmet and cleats and go into the field over my daughter.  I wanted to tackle to the ground all of the players that were causing her grief – especially that boy!!!

However, the only thing I could do was listen…and cry…and pray.  As I listened to her pour out her grief, the Lord spoke to me.  He gave me the words to remind her that He was there, too.  Jesus’ heart was breaking, too; and He wanted to comfort her and help her and go to battle for her, too.   As we prayed together over the phone, God comforted both of us.  He reminded us that He was in our midst fighting, shielding, and loving – if only we were willing to stay within His circle.

I tried to get out all of the words that my heart was crying.  That she was a child of the King…that she was worthy of the best…that she only had to stay close to Jesus so that He could protect her.  Those icy waters of the real world are brutal and her only hope was to cling to the One who could pull her through.

After we hung up, I was still teary eyed.  God still had to work on my heart to trust Him with my daughter.  I don’t know why I think that I should be able to do a better job than the Creator of the Universe, but I do.  I’d even told Deanna that she should come home for a while – so that I could protect her.  Why is it so hard to trust the King!?

When I checked my e-mail the next day, she had sent me a note.  “Thanks for staying up and talking with me, Mom.  I didn't realize how much I needed my mom till I moved out.  I really love you.”

I don’t know if all is resolved.  I think that the game is still going on and I am again in the stands watching my princess execute the next play on the field.  The only thing I can do is pray and ask God to show me where He is on the green; to show me where He is working in Deanna’s life; to comfort us both as we go forward into this next unknown season of our existence; to reassure us that He is there every step of the way.

Luke 18:27  And he said, The things which are impossible with men are possible with God.

Rom 8:38,39  For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come,  Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Heart, Hands, Head

We are again starting a new school year. For some of us it is just a matter of getting back into the routine of things. But for some, this is a whole new world that is as unknown as the craters on the moon. Allow me to encourage you and pray for you as you begin your journey into the unknown.

Praise ye the LORD. O give thanks unto the LORD; for he is good: for his mercy endureth for ever. Psalm 106:1

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Phillipians 4:6 & 7

This year my husband, Ralph, and I did something we should have done every year. We actually talked over this school year and our goals for our kids together. We have done this before, but God placed it on my heart to be more purposeful about it. My husband was honored. He didn’t think he’d really had a say in what we did for “school”. I hadn’t realized that I was so independent and he hadn’t realized that he’d been so disconnected. It was a great experience and I’d like to share it with you.

Step 1 – We scheduled a “date”. This is thrilling in and of itself since we get so few. Both of us looked forward to it and we agreed that we would pray for our kids each day until we went out.

Step 2 – When we went out, we went to a quiet place where we could talk without distractions. It ended up that we ate dinner at home and then went into our room and shut the door. But you could go out to a quiet restaurant, or to the park for a picnic or just up scenic drive to park (I’m sure it’s okay if you are married).

Step 3 – I had a piece of paper for each child which I had folded into thirds. At the top of the paper I wrote the child’s name and then at the top of each “column” I wrote: Heart, Hands & Head. As we talked, I wrote down the goal in each area and the plan to achieve that goal.

Heart – What is lacking spiritually in this child’s relationship with God? How can we help her strengthen that relationship? What part of the Character of Christ is she struggling with and how can we help her strengthen that character? Should we encourage her to pray more? Read her Bible more? Have more focused devotions? Talk frankly with her about what we perceive is a weakness and pray with her about it? Ralph and I had a really good discussion about each of our children’s relationship with God and what training we thought they needed. For the first time in a long time, we were on the same page in this area regarding our kids and I felt that we had a real game plan.

Hands – What life skills do we think this child needs to learn this year? Does she clean her room consistently? Does she take responsibility for her animal? Does she need to learn to cook more meals than breakfast? Does she need to learn how to check the fluid levels in her car now that she has her license? Does she need to take responsibility for a household chore that needs attention? We decided that since our girls are teens, they needed to learn to plan and prepare at least two dinner meals per week and be mostly responsible for the house.

Head – What do our child need to learn academically this year? Is she ready for the next level in math or science? Do we need to focus on skills based subjects or knowledge based subjects? (Skills = math, grammar, spelling, reading, writing, music; knowledge = science, history, literature, art appreciation, etc.) Is she reading at her level or has she been reading “fluff” this summer? Do I need to motivate her to do more math? More research? More challenging reading? What curriculum do we need to buy for her and how much will it cost? Ralph and I had a wonderful discussion about this aspect. It had been a while since I asked him about how much money we should spend and he was honored that I had.

For the first year in many, I feel more secure and better prepared than I have been in previous years. I hadn’t realized that by not “enlisting” my husband’s help, he hadn’t really known what to do to help. Now, I’m confident that I not only have a game plan but a ‘minion’ to carry it out.

Praise God that He pricks my heart and reveals things to me that I need to know. May I never become weary of His instruction or correction. I may have some experience, but I always need to learn new ways and new methods.

I hope this helps you all, too. May God lead you and guide you in coming up with your own game plan for your children this year. May He show you His will in their lives and help you ‘train them up in the way they should go.’

Nikki: A Life Well Lived

“O Death, where is thy sting! O Grave, where is thy victory!” – I Corinthians 15:55

The dry, desert ground was hard, yet we persisted, using buckets of water to soften the clay. Even then our little grave was shallow. It seemed fitting that the burial of a loved one would be difficult…doubly so because our tears blurred our eyes. We gently lay the little body into the hole and covered him with the moist dirt. Dragging rocks from our rock pile, we mounded them over his resting place. Mikayla found some bricks to make a pretty border; telling me that she knew Leila would appreciate our care for her pup.

The other two dogs solemnly watched us work from the confines of the fence. They seemed to know that their pal was gone and wouldn’t be playing with them anymore.

That morning I had taken Mikayla to work at 6 a.m. When I got back home, I let Nikki out of his kennel and went to feed our puppies. Just beginning to waddle around, they attacked the dry food and gnawed it with their still-new teeth. Then I went inside to feed the three orphan kittens we had housed in our bathtub. By this time, it was about 7 a.m.

As I came outside again to begin my walk to the Cornerstone, I realized that the yard was silent. This usually meant that the dogs had found a way out and needed to be rounded up. I called for them and Angel and Galeo came bounding up the drive. I was sure that Nikki would be right behind them and I continued to call for him as I grabbed Angel’s leash to take her with me.

Since I wasn’t sure where they were getting out of the fence, I put Galeo into his kennel, put the leash on Angel, and started down the drive still calling and whistling for Nikki. Still no sign of a bouncing terrier. I began to feel a tightening in the pit of my stomach. I think that God was preparing my heart.

As we got to the end of the drive and started up the highway, I saw a little black and white bundle on the road. I didn’t want to get any closer. I already knew that it was Nikki. Worse…Leilani was at camp and I wasn’t sure that I could reach her. What was I going to tell her?

I remember when Leilani brought Nikki home. He was so tiny. A Chihuahua/Rat Terrier mix, he slept next to her bed and cried all night. She would get annoyed and shut him in the bathroom only to feel sorry for him after a few minutes and bring him up into her bed. From then on, whenever she was around, he was sure to be close.

He caught Parvo shortly before his first birth day. He was very sick. Leilani moved her mattress from her bed to our downstairs bedroom so that she could take care of him through the night and keep him quarantined from the other dogs. Every 2 hours she would wake up and feed him some Pedialite. She even convinced our next door neighbor, a vet tech, to give him an IV because the spoon-fed liquids were not doing the job. He was sick for a week; but, thanks to her diligence, he made it through.

He became the father of the first set of Jojo’s puppies. They were such cute puppies and they all found homes pretty quickly.

Now, he is gone.

I believe that God uses his creation to show us so many things about the life that He has for us. I know that God brought Nikki into our family to teach Leilani. Through his little, helpless life, he taught her about responsibility, accountability, patience and unconditional love. She had to take responsibility for a small life that could not sustain itself without her help to feed and care for him. She learned to be accountable for his behavior and training. While he was learning, she had to be patient, knowing that he did not speak her language or think like a human…instead, she had to think like a dog in order to be effective with her training. Through his unconditional love for her, she learned about God’s unconditional love for us. His unbridled enthusiasm when she came through the gate after being gone, mirrored God’s enthusiasm for us when we come to spend time with Him.

Today, Nikki is teaching us about death. We have loved; and we have lost; and now we grieve. In his own small way, he is teaching us to deal with the inevitable. As we walk through this time of grief over a little dog – such a miniscule moment in the whole scheme of life – we learn how to deal with loss on a grander scale. If we can turn to God in thanksgiving over a dog, we will be able to turn to Him over the loss of a child or a parent.

“Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” - unknown

Leilani comes home at the end of the week. She will learn tonight that Nikki is gone. When she gets home, we will go through a new wave of grief as the rest of us rally around her to help her let go and move on to the next loved one that God will bring into her life.

My prayer today is that Ralph and I can teach her how to turn to the Greatest Comforter; how to be angry…and blame…and be sad…and forgive…and accept…and remember; how to be grateful for all of the sweet moments and life lessons that Nikki gave her; how to continue to risk loving even though loss and death will be a part of all such liaisons.

There is only victory in Death when we allow it to conquer us by holding us in the past or keeping us from loving again. There is only power in the Grave when we allow it to be our focus instead of the life well lived.

Thank you, God, for Nikki. His life was well lived. May the lessons You used him to teach be well learned.

Pomp & Circumstance

Several years ago, my oldest son, Aaron, graduated High School. At the time, we talked about having a ceremony or perhaps participating in the support group’s organized graduation. Aaron, being a typical teen, begged me not to make him wear a cap and gown and walk across a stage. He told me that he would be mortified! Unfortunately, I gave in and we had a few friends over to the house and handed him his diploma without any fuss.

Shortly after, we were up at 4 a.m. praying over him and watching as the Army recruiter took him away to boot camp. I cried. Everything felt like it had moved too fast. It felt as if there were no real closure, no official beginning; only a fuzzy feeling that something wasn’t right. I get the same feeling when we don’t start the day with devotions and prayer. The memories I have of that time are also fuzzy and confusing, muddled together with my grief at his leaving and the darkness of the early morning.

About 3months later, I was privileged to attend Aaron’s graduation from boot camp. In contrast to our “high school graduation”, it was rife with pomp and circumstance; ritual and ceremony. They stood and recited their pledges to the American flag, received awards for certain accomplishments, and each was commended for his participation and completion of a very difficult, physically grueling and emotionally taxing ordeal. They were each declared, before witnesses, a Soldier and ready to move forward into a new beginning as a member of the Army of the United States of America.

I realized that day how important ceremony was in remembering the milestones in one’s life. When marking those events, the memories that we make for our children and us, as parents, are so important to the shaping of their future. I know Aaron looks back on that day he graduated boot camp with pride and a feeling of accomplishment. I know that it encourages him when he feels inadequate. If he could go through boot camp and be declared a Warrior by his superior officer, then he can accomplish anything! Likewise, I remember his accomplishment with a feeling of closure and a clearer picture of his future.

This year, my oldest daughter, Deanna, graduated from High School. When I talked to her about a graduation ceremony, I again heard the “please don’t make me…” Thankfully, this time I didn’t give in.

Deanna stood at the back of the church in her forest green cap and gown. As I sang “The Impossible Dream” (From The Man of La Mancha), she began walking slowly down the aisle as the audience stood and honored her. When she came up onto the stage with me, I finished singing and gave her a hug.

She had worked on a PowerPoint of some of the highlights of her life, which we showed as she played “The Mirror” by Yanni on the piano. The pictures she chose represented her baby life; her childhood smiles, cooking with Papa, banging on the piano with her sister; her teen years as she cooked by herself, trained her horse, went to prom; and the last picture was her in her cap and gown doing a victory pose. The whole crowd of witnesses laughed at that one.

Her speech, prepared in between studying for some tests, was about how she had been preparing for success in life. How she had discovered that she was the only one responsible for her learning; how experiences, which she was given time in her day to experience, increased her knowledge; and how her parents had prepared her for failure, which equaled success no matter what she chose to do.

She delivered her speech with such confidence and conviction, I’m sure that everyone who heard was inspired toward their own success. I just held back tears and tried not to look at her father, who was also trying not to look like he was crying. We were so proud.

At the conclusion of her speech, she called us up onto the stage with her so that she could read a letter she had written to us. In it she thanked us for everything that we had done to help prepare her for the future. If there hadn’t been tears before, there were a few now.

As her parents, we had both written short remarks to her that we read aloud. Mine was about how I had seen her progress through the years. I told how she had developed the character that I admired through times of challenge in her past. Her father spoke a Blessing over her. He told her that God knew her even before she was born and that she was living up to the meaning of her name (Spiritual leader, consecrated to God, a servant of the King) and that she would be able, with God’s help, to face and overcome the challenges of the future. He told her that we would always be here to pray, advise, and help her if she needed us, but that, as her father, he released her into adulthood to begin her own adventure and leave her own legacy.

Everyone in the audience stood as we presented her with her Diploma. As her mother and primary teacher, I cannot tell you what a thrill this gave me. I felt like I was graduating, too. I’m pretty sure that there were not many dry eyes as I shifted her tassel from one side to the other. The applause rang out as we presented her as a graduate.

At the end of the night, we were all exhausted and exhilarated at the same time…especially Deanna. It was a night that we will all remember for the rest of our lives. It was a night that we can look back on and say “she accomplished this!” and Deanna can look back on and say “that was the day I graduated from high school!” It was a night that marked the end of a season and the beginning of another. Because there was closure of the one season, we can all help, release, guide, encourage and inspire Deanna on into the next.

Deanna – May God guide you into your future. May He be with you in your adventures. May He show you the clear path into the special future that He has for you. May He give us, your parents, the wisdom to deal with you according to this new season and help you continue your journey.