It’s funny how a glimpse back into our past can open the flood gates to so many memories. Recently, I ran into some old friends…friends I hadn’t seen in almost 20 years. Suddenly, I find myself reminiscing about that time in my life and feeling more glad every moment that I’m no longer that naïve, selfish, stupid, little girl.
Also, there is that feeling of being older and realizing how much time has gone by between dreaming about growing up and actually doing it. In the midst my feelings of relief at being a totally different person (thanks to the redemption of the Lord in my life), there is also a kind of grief, too… a grief at the loss of so many dreams that did not come to pass.
When I was a young adult, 17 - 20, I dreamed of being an opera singer or a Broadway star. I dreamed of being discovered by a talent scout and given a part in a popular play or movie. Then I dreamed of being a great Ballroom dancer/actor/singer. My life seemed to stretch into an endless panorama of promise and fame.
All of those dreams faded when I got pregnant and decided to keep the baby in the face of those who advised me to get an abortion. I owe my decision primarily to my parents who stood by me even when my husband at the time wanted me to get rid of the baby.
I held my ground, with my parent’s support, and had a beautiful baby boy -- then got post-partum depression, caught my husband in an affair, moved out of our apartment and filed for a divorce. The only thing that kept me going during that time was my darling baby. But, the casualties were my dreams, my hopes, my aspirations, which evaporated like so much smoke in the wind.
Now, looking back over that time, you’d think that I’d have so many regrets…and I do: regrets at not making better decisions about relationships, regrets about burning bridges because of my naiveté, regrets at not following through in the face of a few challenges. However, God, in His infinite mercy, gave me so much more.
Those years were not the end of my trials -- that refining fire that burns away what is wood, hay and stubble -- but only the beginning. I didn’t learn what I needed to learn at that time. I learned a lot, but not all that God had for me.
God is continually bringing people into my life who rock my very core and shape me into who He wants me to be: a church in California full of people who knew how to show God’s love; a mother of 6 who taught me the joys of allowing children to be who they are within our parental boundaries; a family of 4 who took us in when there was “no room at the inn”; a mother of 2 who offered to get a job and help support me during a tough time; a man who showed me true commitment where none had before; two young boys who taught me to love even what is not mine; a troubled teen who taught us to accept people no matter their background; three beautiful baby girls, who taught me the beauty of God’s creation; a family in Maine who taught us how to discipline in love, look to the Word for truth, accept accountability and aspire to excellence in all things; a father/pastor, who taught us to look beyond what we see; a pastor in Amarillo who taught me the true meaning of hypocrisy; some home school families who saw value in all relationships; another pastor and church who demonstrated the refuge and restoration we have in Christ; and I could go on and on.
There have been many others, who have loved, accepted, valued, cared, shaken, stirred and poured out over us according to God’s plan. We have benefited by drawing closer and closer to what God has purposed for us.
In the face of all of these experiences… in the face of all of the orchestration we see in God’s big Symphony, how can I regret that my dreams did not come to fruition? When I was willing to “delight myself in the Lord”, God was true to His promise to give me “the desires of my heart”. He put new dreams into my psyche and rewrote the pages of my longing soul to reflect the eternal purposes He had for my life.
How exciting it is to look ahead! Now, instead of my own dreams, I can say with confidence “God, what are Your dreams for me? What is Your purpose today and tomorrow? How are You going to use my talents next?”
Now, I don’t always remember His redemption and His direction; but, God always finds a way to point me toward the right path -- even if it hurts. I’m so glad that God always keeps His promises and, in particular, His promise to “never leave me nor forsake me”.
Our meeting with my old friends was great. We talked about some of the old times, but we talked more about where we are now. She has such a love for the Lord in her heart and God is really using her life and talents to bless families and couples who need a new interest in their lives. She and her husband have been married for over 18 years (I sang at their wedding), and just that fact blessed me.
Regrets? Yes, but only over how I have responded to God; not about where He has taken me. I’m so glad that I have the family and children that I do. I’m so glad that I have the friends and relationships that I have. I’m so glad that God has continually shown me mercy and grace where I merited none and given me His visions for my life.
Ps. 37:4 - Delight thyself also in the Lord; and He shall give thee the desires of thine heart.
Heb. 13:5 - …be content with such things as ye have; for he hath said “I will never leave thee nor forsake thee.”
May I continue to learn the lessons that He has and respond the way that He would have me. May I look ahead to the growing up that I still have to do and rejoice that He will do the “tending and watering”.
Sunday, July 15, 2007
Thursday, July 12, 2007
Super Woman
I aspire to be Super Woman. Really! I do. I suppose that is why I’m such a Superman fan. I’ve seen all of the episodes of Smallville, all the Superman Movies (including Superman Returns) and a couple of seasons of Lois & Clark. I love how the handsome hero saves the world in every episode and still manages to be a great guy.
I want to do great things and be the best at all of the things that are in my heart to do. I want to be the best wife and mother, the best writer, the best photographer, the best chef, the best teacher, etc. Of course, like most of us, I fail miserably a lot of the time; however, as I heard recently in Meet the Robinsons, “You learn from your failures; successes -- not so much!”
Of course, there are certain things that I don’t even attempt to be the best at -- like house keeping. I’ll never have a Better Homes and Gardens home (at least not until the children have homes of their own). I’ll never be the best at auto mechanics -- I’m lucky I know how to fill the gas tank. I’m sure that there are a host of other things that I’ll never attempt to be the best at; because God did not put them in my heart to do.
Recently, I learned a lot about being Super Woman. Perhaps it was not so much from my own failure, but it sure felt like it. It is times like this that I realize that I’m only Super Woman if I’m allowing God to be in control. Without Him, I am nothing and without His hand on my life, I cannot accomplish much.
Terence called me just as I woke on Saturday morning. My plan was to read my book for a couple of hours and then wake everyone else for breakfast and Saturday chores.
“Hey, bud. What’s up?” I asked casually. I knew he’d been with one of his friends all night and was a bit surprised to hear from him so early.
“Nothin’ much.” he said and then added, “I’m in the hospital.”
“What?!” no longer casual, I could feel myself begin to panic as I imagined all kinds of horrible things. “What happened?”
“Here’s BJ.” he gave as a reply and handed the phone off to his friend, who was with him.
BJ explained that they had been hanging out at the parking lot across from the Dollar General. They’d been skate boarding and messing around and it was about 5:30 a.m. Nothing serious. Just being boys.
Then Terence and his friend, Josue, began wrestling. They were playing around and Josue threw Terence over his shoulder. Terence landed really hard, hit his head on the pavement and blacked out for a few minutes.
BJ stretched him out and made sure that he was breathing and talked to him as he came to. He was able to get up and get some water. He was really dazed, but seemed to be okay -- that is, until a few minutes later when his friends realized that he’d asked the same questions over and over. He wasn’t remembering what they’d told him. They thought Terence was just messing with them and were getting annoyed that he kept asking what happened and why his shoulder hurt so bad.
They drove him home and were planning to just leave him on our porch and let us deal with him. BJ, however, decided to stick around and make sure that he was okay. It was a good thing that he did, too. Terence went in the house and came out almost immediately, shirtless and talking on the phone. He began to just wander down the street.
BJ realized that he wasn’t going to just get better and that something more serious could be wrong. So, he loaded him into his car and took him to the emergency room.
That’s when we got the call. I woke Ralph and we both got dressed to go to the hospital. A few minutes later, Terence called me again. He couldn’t remember if he’d called. Now, I was beginning to panic.
When we got to the ER, we signed the paperwork for a couple of CT scans and consulted with Dr. Jackson. We haven’t seen the inside of a hospital this many times since the kids were little.
Meanwhile, BJ stayed with Terence and patiently answered his questions -- the same ones over and over again. He even recorded Terence’s questions and his answers on his phone so that he could play it back and show Terence what was happening.
Terence kept saying things like “I hope I didn’t forget how to skate board” and “Thanks for sticking with me, BJ” over and over again. It was totally obvious what was important to him. He also kept saying “Did I pick a fight with someone?” and “We were just playing, right?” We could tell that he was concerned that he may have hurt someone or that one of his friends was mad at him. BJ, Ralph and I kept reassuring him over and over again.
Dr. Jackson told us that he had a stage 2 concussion and a torn ACL (one of the muscles that attaches his arm to his shoulder socket). He assured us that Terence’s memory would return, but he might not ever remember the actual accident. He also said that we shouldn’t let him out of the house for at least a week.
On our way home, Terence asked what happened at least 4 times and couldn’t remember even being at the hospital. In a way, it was funny; but it was also very scary. I kept wondering what would happen if he didn’t get any better.
We put him to bed and set a timer for 2 hours so that we could wake him up and check on him. Dr. Jackson said that we had to do that for the next 24 hours and that he needed to come to the clinic in 2 weeks for a check up.
By that evening, thank God, Terence was doing much better. He was remembering what we told him and remembered seeing some of the pictures that we had shown him a couple of hours before. He was still in lots of pain with his shoulder and was not quite himself.
The next day, he was a lot better and we took him to church with us. Of course, Ralph was continually cracking jokes about his memory loss and making him smile. I was just relieved that he was going to be okay.
When things calmed down and I had time to think, my first thought was “Why did I let him stay out with his buddies?” I should have known something might happen. Am I a failure as a parent because he got hurt?
Fortunately, I have a wonderful husband who helps me to see the truth about things sometimes. This was one of those times that I had to give the circumstances over to the Lord. There was nothing I could have done -- no way to have prevented it, no way to have minimized it, no way to have predicted it. There was no way I could have changed into my Super Suit and rescued him.
Again, I was reminded that “with God, all things are possible”, but only with God. I can’t be anything special without His help -- I can’t even be what He has called me to be with out Him.
Phillipians 4:13 -- I can do all things through Christ, which strengthens me.
May I learn to give myself over to Him and allow Him to be the Super Man in my life.
I want to do great things and be the best at all of the things that are in my heart to do. I want to be the best wife and mother, the best writer, the best photographer, the best chef, the best teacher, etc. Of course, like most of us, I fail miserably a lot of the time; however, as I heard recently in Meet the Robinsons, “You learn from your failures; successes -- not so much!”
Of course, there are certain things that I don’t even attempt to be the best at -- like house keeping. I’ll never have a Better Homes and Gardens home (at least not until the children have homes of their own). I’ll never be the best at auto mechanics -- I’m lucky I know how to fill the gas tank. I’m sure that there are a host of other things that I’ll never attempt to be the best at; because God did not put them in my heart to do.
Recently, I learned a lot about being Super Woman. Perhaps it was not so much from my own failure, but it sure felt like it. It is times like this that I realize that I’m only Super Woman if I’m allowing God to be in control. Without Him, I am nothing and without His hand on my life, I cannot accomplish much.
Terence called me just as I woke on Saturday morning. My plan was to read my book for a couple of hours and then wake everyone else for breakfast and Saturday chores.
“Hey, bud. What’s up?” I asked casually. I knew he’d been with one of his friends all night and was a bit surprised to hear from him so early.
“Nothin’ much.” he said and then added, “I’m in the hospital.”
“What?!” no longer casual, I could feel myself begin to panic as I imagined all kinds of horrible things. “What happened?”
“Here’s BJ.” he gave as a reply and handed the phone off to his friend, who was with him.
BJ explained that they had been hanging out at the parking lot across from the Dollar General. They’d been skate boarding and messing around and it was about 5:30 a.m. Nothing serious. Just being boys.
Then Terence and his friend, Josue, began wrestling. They were playing around and Josue threw Terence over his shoulder. Terence landed really hard, hit his head on the pavement and blacked out for a few minutes.
BJ stretched him out and made sure that he was breathing and talked to him as he came to. He was able to get up and get some water. He was really dazed, but seemed to be okay -- that is, until a few minutes later when his friends realized that he’d asked the same questions over and over. He wasn’t remembering what they’d told him. They thought Terence was just messing with them and were getting annoyed that he kept asking what happened and why his shoulder hurt so bad.
They drove him home and were planning to just leave him on our porch and let us deal with him. BJ, however, decided to stick around and make sure that he was okay. It was a good thing that he did, too. Terence went in the house and came out almost immediately, shirtless and talking on the phone. He began to just wander down the street.
BJ realized that he wasn’t going to just get better and that something more serious could be wrong. So, he loaded him into his car and took him to the emergency room.
That’s when we got the call. I woke Ralph and we both got dressed to go to the hospital. A few minutes later, Terence called me again. He couldn’t remember if he’d called. Now, I was beginning to panic.
When we got to the ER, we signed the paperwork for a couple of CT scans and consulted with Dr. Jackson. We haven’t seen the inside of a hospital this many times since the kids were little.
Meanwhile, BJ stayed with Terence and patiently answered his questions -- the same ones over and over again. He even recorded Terence’s questions and his answers on his phone so that he could play it back and show Terence what was happening.
Terence kept saying things like “I hope I didn’t forget how to skate board” and “Thanks for sticking with me, BJ” over and over again. It was totally obvious what was important to him. He also kept saying “Did I pick a fight with someone?” and “We were just playing, right?” We could tell that he was concerned that he may have hurt someone or that one of his friends was mad at him. BJ, Ralph and I kept reassuring him over and over again.
Dr. Jackson told us that he had a stage 2 concussion and a torn ACL (one of the muscles that attaches his arm to his shoulder socket). He assured us that Terence’s memory would return, but he might not ever remember the actual accident. He also said that we shouldn’t let him out of the house for at least a week.
On our way home, Terence asked what happened at least 4 times and couldn’t remember even being at the hospital. In a way, it was funny; but it was also very scary. I kept wondering what would happen if he didn’t get any better.
We put him to bed and set a timer for 2 hours so that we could wake him up and check on him. Dr. Jackson said that we had to do that for the next 24 hours and that he needed to come to the clinic in 2 weeks for a check up.
By that evening, thank God, Terence was doing much better. He was remembering what we told him and remembered seeing some of the pictures that we had shown him a couple of hours before. He was still in lots of pain with his shoulder and was not quite himself.
The next day, he was a lot better and we took him to church with us. Of course, Ralph was continually cracking jokes about his memory loss and making him smile. I was just relieved that he was going to be okay.
When things calmed down and I had time to think, my first thought was “Why did I let him stay out with his buddies?” I should have known something might happen. Am I a failure as a parent because he got hurt?
Fortunately, I have a wonderful husband who helps me to see the truth about things sometimes. This was one of those times that I had to give the circumstances over to the Lord. There was nothing I could have done -- no way to have prevented it, no way to have minimized it, no way to have predicted it. There was no way I could have changed into my Super Suit and rescued him.
Again, I was reminded that “with God, all things are possible”, but only with God. I can’t be anything special without His help -- I can’t even be what He has called me to be with out Him.
Phillipians 4:13 -- I can do all things through Christ, which strengthens me.
May I learn to give myself over to Him and allow Him to be the Super Man in my life.
Thursday, May 24, 2007
Curriculum or Learning
This year has been a tough year. New house, new town, new friends, new church, new vehicle, and new challenges had all taken their toll on our routine. Sitting at my desk, going over papers and tests, I was frustrated. What had my kids really accomplished this year?! I was trying to do an honest assessment so that I would have a starting point for planning the curriculum that I would use next year. I’m sure you’ve been there. It’s that time of year.
Our West Texas Wildlife project had fizzled and died after my computer crashed and we lost all of the pictures we’d taken. We’d only gotten half way through our Astronomy because we needed more work in Math. The Rosetta Stone Spanish got abandoned in January when my computer crashed again! The kids have been told that they will be doing Math through the Summer in order to get back on track.
The more I worked the more discouraged I became. What had happened?! Why couldn’t I follow through?! I had visions of them being 21 before graduating high school.
I came up for air to look around for the suspiciously quiet ladies and gentlemen in question. Adrian was on his computer working on yet another logo in Adobe Photoshop to go with his skateboarding video he was working on in Windows Movie Maker. Terence was out cleaning out his car that he’d bought and fixed up with the local mechanic. Deanna was at the sewing machine making a purse for her sister out of an old pair of jeans, decorating it with scraps of fabric she’d found in my stash. Mikayla was in the art center up to her eyeballs in acrylics, painting a beautiful picture of summer fantasy flowers. Leilani was at the stove in the kitchen making herself a scrambled egg burrito and salad.
Gradually, I began to relax. So, we didn’t get through all of the curriculum I had planned. Life had happened! Opportunities had arisen that we had seized as they came across our path. The children had gravitated toward learning those things which were important to them, which is good. Besides, we did complete their 2nd year of Latin all the way through with straight As and the kids had all made new friends.
Now, that doesn’t mean that we won’t do Math through the summer, but it does mean that I’ll quit stressing over the curriculum that we didn’t get to this year. There will be time for Astronomy and Spanish next year.
I remembered the baby birds that the kids had been keeping an eye on in the beams of our carport and the horny toad that the boys caught so that the girls could examine him. We’d taken field trips to the Guadalupe Mountains, the Davis Mountains, Balmorea and Las Cruces. Just because we hadn’t finished our photography journal, didn’t mean that we hadn’t learned anything -- it just meant that we didn’t get all of the paper work done.
When the opportunity arose for the girls to do a play with some other home schoolers in Alpine, we took it and they learned the 8 parts of speech in a totally new way. When Terence got the opportunity to work with a mechanic and learn about his own car, he took it and learned a lot. When the boys were given the opportunity to clean out the abandoned pool in front of our house and use it as a makeshift skate park, they took and had a blast. When the girls were given the opportunity to take piano lessons, we jumped in with both feet and they all did well.
What am I stressing about?! Isn’t this what home schooling is all about? Of course, it is! We home school so that we can have flexibility and not be tied to any one curriculum or one subject just for the sake of the “points”. Learning, living, laughing, and loving each other are the real goals.
As I went back to my “assessments”, I was looking at them from a different perspective. The curriculum had been only a starting point toward our real goals and we’d done pretty well with those. There were some places for improvement -- attitudes, responsibility, follow through, showing love to one another -- but those were things that needed more practice that any curriculum could provide.
I began writing down what my children DID learn this year and by the time I’d finished I was surprised at the list. Wow!! Learning had been happening in spite of the paperwork! Yea! Success!! I now had so many ideas for next year that I had to tell myself to slow down. After all, there are only so many hours in a day.
So, as we do Math and Reading through the Summer, I’ll relax and tell my children how proud I am of them and what they have accomplished this past year. I’ll take some time to read aloud to them and plan summer trips and outings. Most of all, I’ll take the time to hug them, discover with them and play with them. That’s what it’s really all about.
Our West Texas Wildlife project had fizzled and died after my computer crashed and we lost all of the pictures we’d taken. We’d only gotten half way through our Astronomy because we needed more work in Math. The Rosetta Stone Spanish got abandoned in January when my computer crashed again! The kids have been told that they will be doing Math through the Summer in order to get back on track.
The more I worked the more discouraged I became. What had happened?! Why couldn’t I follow through?! I had visions of them being 21 before graduating high school.
I came up for air to look around for the suspiciously quiet ladies and gentlemen in question. Adrian was on his computer working on yet another logo in Adobe Photoshop to go with his skateboarding video he was working on in Windows Movie Maker. Terence was out cleaning out his car that he’d bought and fixed up with the local mechanic. Deanna was at the sewing machine making a purse for her sister out of an old pair of jeans, decorating it with scraps of fabric she’d found in my stash. Mikayla was in the art center up to her eyeballs in acrylics, painting a beautiful picture of summer fantasy flowers. Leilani was at the stove in the kitchen making herself a scrambled egg burrito and salad.
Gradually, I began to relax. So, we didn’t get through all of the curriculum I had planned. Life had happened! Opportunities had arisen that we had seized as they came across our path. The children had gravitated toward learning those things which were important to them, which is good. Besides, we did complete their 2nd year of Latin all the way through with straight As and the kids had all made new friends.
Now, that doesn’t mean that we won’t do Math through the summer, but it does mean that I’ll quit stressing over the curriculum that we didn’t get to this year. There will be time for Astronomy and Spanish next year.
I remembered the baby birds that the kids had been keeping an eye on in the beams of our carport and the horny toad that the boys caught so that the girls could examine him. We’d taken field trips to the Guadalupe Mountains, the Davis Mountains, Balmorea and Las Cruces. Just because we hadn’t finished our photography journal, didn’t mean that we hadn’t learned anything -- it just meant that we didn’t get all of the paper work done.
When the opportunity arose for the girls to do a play with some other home schoolers in Alpine, we took it and they learned the 8 parts of speech in a totally new way. When Terence got the opportunity to work with a mechanic and learn about his own car, he took it and learned a lot. When the boys were given the opportunity to clean out the abandoned pool in front of our house and use it as a makeshift skate park, they took and had a blast. When the girls were given the opportunity to take piano lessons, we jumped in with both feet and they all did well.
What am I stressing about?! Isn’t this what home schooling is all about? Of course, it is! We home school so that we can have flexibility and not be tied to any one curriculum or one subject just for the sake of the “points”. Learning, living, laughing, and loving each other are the real goals.
As I went back to my “assessments”, I was looking at them from a different perspective. The curriculum had been only a starting point toward our real goals and we’d done pretty well with those. There were some places for improvement -- attitudes, responsibility, follow through, showing love to one another -- but those were things that needed more practice that any curriculum could provide.
I began writing down what my children DID learn this year and by the time I’d finished I was surprised at the list. Wow!! Learning had been happening in spite of the paperwork! Yea! Success!! I now had so many ideas for next year that I had to tell myself to slow down. After all, there are only so many hours in a day.
So, as we do Math and Reading through the Summer, I’ll relax and tell my children how proud I am of them and what they have accomplished this past year. I’ll take some time to read aloud to them and plan summer trips and outings. Most of all, I’ll take the time to hug them, discover with them and play with them. That’s what it’s really all about.
Summer's End
At Summer’s end, sylvan comrades plan
Their Autumn Rainbow Ball again.
Each Maple dons her glorious gown,
And Pines, their floor of green lay down.
As Autumn noon shines cool and clear,
The height of celebration near,
And so this happy, leafy bower
Splendidly arrayed from toe to tower,
Waves red, orange, gold and green,
And dances in a yellow sheen,
To say farewell to Summer’s heat,
And lay their treasures at Winter’s feet.
Their Autumn Rainbow Ball again.
Each Maple dons her glorious gown,
And Pines, their floor of green lay down.
As Autumn noon shines cool and clear,
The height of celebration near,
And so this happy, leafy bower
Splendidly arrayed from toe to tower,
Waves red, orange, gold and green,
And dances in a yellow sheen,
To say farewell to Summer’s heat,
And lay their treasures at Winter’s feet.
Working Cowboy
Desert daze…
Lazy haze…
Rising from the heated ground.
Reddened sand…
Dusty land…
Thorns and cactus all around.
Walking slow…
Bending low…
Sweat trickles down my brow.
Searching here…
Looking there…
We have to find him now.
Broken fence…
Bushes dense…
Water’s very rare.
Stupid steer…
Cowboy career…
Right now it’s hard to care.
Squinting eyes…
Scanning skies…
Swinging up on trusty horse.
Footing sure…
Seat secure…
I let him follow his own course.
Cresting ridge…
Crossing bridge…
The river bed is dry.
Circling ‘round…
Quarry found…
The sun is not yet high.
Shaking rope…
Easy lope…
A loop around his neck.
Turning back…
Giving slack…
Avoiding any wreck.
Walking quick…
Mesquite thick…
We reach his normal place.
Mending wire…
Fingers tire…
The sun and I will race.
Another chore…
Many more…
The work is never done.
Mounting up…
Shouting “giddiup!”…
We’ll go find the other one.
Ending day…
Happy play…
Sun setting in the west.
Today flew…
Tomorrow, too…
We’ll do our very best.
Lazy haze…
Rising from the heated ground.
Reddened sand…
Dusty land…
Thorns and cactus all around.
Walking slow…
Bending low…
Sweat trickles down my brow.
Searching here…
Looking there…
We have to find him now.
Broken fence…
Bushes dense…
Water’s very rare.
Stupid steer…
Cowboy career…
Right now it’s hard to care.
Squinting eyes…
Scanning skies…
Swinging up on trusty horse.
Footing sure…
Seat secure…
I let him follow his own course.
Cresting ridge…
Crossing bridge…
The river bed is dry.
Circling ‘round…
Quarry found…
The sun is not yet high.
Shaking rope…
Easy lope…
A loop around his neck.
Turning back…
Giving slack…
Avoiding any wreck.
Walking quick…
Mesquite thick…
We reach his normal place.
Mending wire…
Fingers tire…
The sun and I will race.
Another chore…
Many more…
The work is never done.
Mounting up…
Shouting “giddiup!”…
We’ll go find the other one.
Ending day…
Happy play…
Sun setting in the west.
Today flew…
Tomorrow, too…
We’ll do our very best.
Thursday, March 29, 2007
Hope in the Lord
“Motherhood is very sweet…but very terrible.” Anne of Ingleside by L.M. Montgomery
“I don’t care. I’ve stopped caring about you and what you want. I just don’t care anymore.” Adrian and I had gone around and around again over the last couple of months. This was just the latest in his assertions to me. Granted, my communications to him had not been perfect either, but this was a low blow.
“I haven’t asked you to care. I’ve asked you to get your school work done. The rest is between you and God.” I looked cool and unconcerned on the outside, but on the inside I was dying. My heart was being wrenched out of my chest and the tears of my inner soul were flowing hard and fast.
“I might just become an atheist!” he told me with a hard look.
“I guess that is between you and God, too.” I was determined not to let him see what I was really feeling even though I was crumpling with failure.
Over the next couple of weeks, some of these phrases would be repeated each time he was held accountable for something (ie. cleaning his room, using a mean tone of voice, not completing his assignments, neglecting his chores, or speaking disrespectfully) or pushing my buttons when I was angry. Others were added to them, like “I’m never going to be good enough for you guys,” or “I know you don’t love me and never did!” Each time, I wondered ‘God!! Where are You?! Please do something!’
At night, when my mind was quiet and I allowed it to wander, I would try to remember where I went wrong. Was there something that I had done to make his heart this hard? Where had I failed?
I remembered a time when he was about 10 years old. I was up to my neck in what seemed like a lot of work at the time and I was fed up with his constant questioning and following me from room to room insisting that I look at this or listen to that. I had snapped and shouted for him to quit following me like a little puppy! He had only wanted some affirmation. Why had I not given it? Why had I been so selfish?
I remembered times, when he was younger, coming up to me and asking to be hugged. Usually he would ask at those times when I was up to my elbows in dishes or dinner preparation or some other work and I would be impatient and sometimes refuse to hug him. He had needed those hugs! He had needed my love and my tenderness. Now, he will not accept my hugs and refuses to give any. Why had I not seen it? Why hadn’t I given him what he needed?
My heart and mind cried out, just like King David, ‘God! Why have You forgotten me?! Where are you when I need you the most?!’
Then…one morning…
We were sitting around the dining room table. I had wrestled everyone out of bed as I do each school morning. Trying to get everyone up and started on the day is like pulling teeth most of the time. No matter how early we go to bed the night before, it seems that everyone but me has a hard time getting up in the morning.
The boys were getting started on their rowdy renditions of the adventures in skateboarding that they had had the night before. Adrian in particular is very entertaining. The girls were all listening in rapt attention as the two of then related the silly quotes of their friends and the soap opera sagas of the ‘public school’ community in which these friends were involved.
I opened my Bible to Psalms and selected one at random. Just as I was about to read, Adrian reached over and closed my Bible. He was just kidding with me. He and Terence wanted to tell one last joke or something. I told him to find the Psalm again for me since he had lost my place.
“Which one was it?” he asked.
“Psalm 42.” I had glanced at the number just before he closed it.
“Will you just read aloud to us today?” he asked. I usually have each one of them read a few verses from their own Bibles.
After a few minutes, I said, “Okay!! Let’s get started. Everyone listen.” And I began reading the Psalm.
It was just as if God were telling me exactly what I needed to hear. In this Psalm, David is crying out to God regarding his frustration with his enemies. He says “God!! Where are you?! I feel like you aren’t doing anything or answering my prayers!!”
Then he remembers that what God is doing has nothing to do with how he feels and more to do with his choice. He then says, “Why are you so depressed, Soul? Why are you worried? Put your hope in God!! For I will still praise Him, my Savior and my God!”
It reminded me of the song by Barlow Girl: “Never Alone”, where she admits that she can’t see or understand what God is doing and it seems like He is not there, but she makes the decision to put her faith in what she knows rather that what she feels. She realizes that God is there whether she feels him or not.
I was also reminded of the song by Jeremy Camp: “I Still Believe”, where he chooses to continue believing in the Lord even though it seems like the world is falling apart around him.
After reading, we discussed what was being said. The boys both had some good things to contribute about how our culture today is ruled by how we (as a society) feel rather than what we know to be right or our faith. We even talked about how loving someone is a choice rather than a “warm fuzzy” and how putting our trust in God even when we don’t feel Him there is always a better choice.
Later, I realized that God had shown Himself to me at a time when I had been wondering if He was around. He is the one who picked the Psalm – reassuring me that I can put my hope in Him even when I don’t see or feel Him. It was just what I needed to hear.
Yes, I’ve made some mistakes as a parent, but God is still in control. I may not see Him working in Adrian’s life or feel Him guiding my own, but He is there and He is still “working all things together for good” whether I see Him or not. He can and will fill in the gaps. All I have to do is put my hope in God and trust that He has the best plan.
Now the question is “Will I follow my feelings or will I choose hope, life and faith in Him Who is able?”
“I don’t care. I’ve stopped caring about you and what you want. I just don’t care anymore.” Adrian and I had gone around and around again over the last couple of months. This was just the latest in his assertions to me. Granted, my communications to him had not been perfect either, but this was a low blow.
“I haven’t asked you to care. I’ve asked you to get your school work done. The rest is between you and God.” I looked cool and unconcerned on the outside, but on the inside I was dying. My heart was being wrenched out of my chest and the tears of my inner soul were flowing hard and fast.
“I might just become an atheist!” he told me with a hard look.
“I guess that is between you and God, too.” I was determined not to let him see what I was really feeling even though I was crumpling with failure.
Over the next couple of weeks, some of these phrases would be repeated each time he was held accountable for something (ie. cleaning his room, using a mean tone of voice, not completing his assignments, neglecting his chores, or speaking disrespectfully) or pushing my buttons when I was angry. Others were added to them, like “I’m never going to be good enough for you guys,” or “I know you don’t love me and never did!” Each time, I wondered ‘God!! Where are You?! Please do something!’
At night, when my mind was quiet and I allowed it to wander, I would try to remember where I went wrong. Was there something that I had done to make his heart this hard? Where had I failed?
I remembered a time when he was about 10 years old. I was up to my neck in what seemed like a lot of work at the time and I was fed up with his constant questioning and following me from room to room insisting that I look at this or listen to that. I had snapped and shouted for him to quit following me like a little puppy! He had only wanted some affirmation. Why had I not given it? Why had I been so selfish?
I remembered times, when he was younger, coming up to me and asking to be hugged. Usually he would ask at those times when I was up to my elbows in dishes or dinner preparation or some other work and I would be impatient and sometimes refuse to hug him. He had needed those hugs! He had needed my love and my tenderness. Now, he will not accept my hugs and refuses to give any. Why had I not seen it? Why hadn’t I given him what he needed?
My heart and mind cried out, just like King David, ‘God! Why have You forgotten me?! Where are you when I need you the most?!’
Then…one morning…
We were sitting around the dining room table. I had wrestled everyone out of bed as I do each school morning. Trying to get everyone up and started on the day is like pulling teeth most of the time. No matter how early we go to bed the night before, it seems that everyone but me has a hard time getting up in the morning.
The boys were getting started on their rowdy renditions of the adventures in skateboarding that they had had the night before. Adrian in particular is very entertaining. The girls were all listening in rapt attention as the two of then related the silly quotes of their friends and the soap opera sagas of the ‘public school’ community in which these friends were involved.
I opened my Bible to Psalms and selected one at random. Just as I was about to read, Adrian reached over and closed my Bible. He was just kidding with me. He and Terence wanted to tell one last joke or something. I told him to find the Psalm again for me since he had lost my place.
“Which one was it?” he asked.
“Psalm 42.” I had glanced at the number just before he closed it.
“Will you just read aloud to us today?” he asked. I usually have each one of them read a few verses from their own Bibles.
After a few minutes, I said, “Okay!! Let’s get started. Everyone listen.” And I began reading the Psalm.
It was just as if God were telling me exactly what I needed to hear. In this Psalm, David is crying out to God regarding his frustration with his enemies. He says “God!! Where are you?! I feel like you aren’t doing anything or answering my prayers!!”
Then he remembers that what God is doing has nothing to do with how he feels and more to do with his choice. He then says, “Why are you so depressed, Soul? Why are you worried? Put your hope in God!! For I will still praise Him, my Savior and my God!”
It reminded me of the song by Barlow Girl: “Never Alone”, where she admits that she can’t see or understand what God is doing and it seems like He is not there, but she makes the decision to put her faith in what she knows rather that what she feels. She realizes that God is there whether she feels him or not.
I was also reminded of the song by Jeremy Camp: “I Still Believe”, where he chooses to continue believing in the Lord even though it seems like the world is falling apart around him.
After reading, we discussed what was being said. The boys both had some good things to contribute about how our culture today is ruled by how we (as a society) feel rather than what we know to be right or our faith. We even talked about how loving someone is a choice rather than a “warm fuzzy” and how putting our trust in God even when we don’t feel Him there is always a better choice.
Later, I realized that God had shown Himself to me at a time when I had been wondering if He was around. He is the one who picked the Psalm – reassuring me that I can put my hope in Him even when I don’t see or feel Him. It was just what I needed to hear.
Yes, I’ve made some mistakes as a parent, but God is still in control. I may not see Him working in Adrian’s life or feel Him guiding my own, but He is there and He is still “working all things together for good” whether I see Him or not. He can and will fill in the gaps. All I have to do is put my hope in God and trust that He has the best plan.
Now the question is “Will I follow my feelings or will I choose hope, life and faith in Him Who is able?”
Destination 3
Next, we drove to Israel. The drive wasn’t that long, but all the security and stuff took a little bit of time. Once we were past all that, we went straight to a trail called David’s Waterfall. It is believed that that was where David hid from Saul in the wilderness.
At the beginning of the trail, we almost walked into an Ibex herd. (A type of deer that looks like an antelope.) The moment one of us spotted them, all the cameras flew into action. Only after everyone had taken a picture did we continue on with the trail.
A little further down the trail we came to a small pool of water. There were school kids in their shorts playing in the water and some closer to the water’s source: a mini waterfall.
The trail was so beautiful! Again, I wanted to live there for the rest of my life. The water was fresh except where the animals had been in and out. There were perfect places for my project “live out”. The only problem was that I had family to get back to and friends who would hunt me down to see the pictures.
On we went toward the main waterfall that was supposedly David’s. It was huge! It seemed that the water had come from miles away just so we could see it. I wanted to go and dive in but it was blocked off. All I could do was watch in amazement and wonder.
On the way back, I went ahead and found the perfect place to wait for my Grandma. It was a small rock that went half into the water. I was sitting on the part that was out of the water when some teenagers came by. One of then said something to me. He spoke in Arabic so I asked if any of them spoke English. One did. It was the girl in the small group of teens.
She told me that her brother had warned me not to fall in. I was embarrassed and told her I would try not to. Just after they left, my Grandma came from around the corner. I got up, jumped the little trickle in my way, and we went on.
When we got back to the beginning, I wanted to go back with my book and read in my spot – but, of course, not enough time. We needed to make it on time to our next tour stop. We all regrouped and loaded the bus once more.
The Garden. Our next and last stop was the Garden of Gethsemane. This is also known as the place were Jesus brought his disciples, and prayed. He prayed to the Father asking if there was some other way to save everyone from sin. If you’ve read the Bible, then you know what God told Jesus.
When we got there, there were already some other groups from China, Mexico, and other countries. I could tell because of the languages. Of course, some of the languages I didn’t recognize. We had to wait in line for a little bit. Than we all prayed and entered the garden.
Inside there were olive trees everywhere and a dirt path leading around the whole thing. I felt happier than ever in this place. (Don’t ask me why I was happy, of all things.) Grandma reminded me to stay quiet because some people were praying and reading their Bibles. We decided to pray, too.
After we were done praying, we went over to the guide. He was holding a basket and asked us to give the gatekeeper a tip for allowing us all in. We did and when we all regrouped, we left the garden and went back to the hotel to pack up for the last time.
The Airport. Saying good-bye to all our new friends. Boarding the plane. Landing in the U.S.A. Going to my Grandma’s to spend the night. Heading back home again. What a trip! It’s one that I’ll remember forever.
At the beginning of the trail, we almost walked into an Ibex herd. (A type of deer that looks like an antelope.) The moment one of us spotted them, all the cameras flew into action. Only after everyone had taken a picture did we continue on with the trail.
A little further down the trail we came to a small pool of water. There were school kids in their shorts playing in the water and some closer to the water’s source: a mini waterfall.
The trail was so beautiful! Again, I wanted to live there for the rest of my life. The water was fresh except where the animals had been in and out. There were perfect places for my project “live out”. The only problem was that I had family to get back to and friends who would hunt me down to see the pictures.
On we went toward the main waterfall that was supposedly David’s. It was huge! It seemed that the water had come from miles away just so we could see it. I wanted to go and dive in but it was blocked off. All I could do was watch in amazement and wonder.
On the way back, I went ahead and found the perfect place to wait for my Grandma. It was a small rock that went half into the water. I was sitting on the part that was out of the water when some teenagers came by. One of then said something to me. He spoke in Arabic so I asked if any of them spoke English. One did. It was the girl in the small group of teens.
She told me that her brother had warned me not to fall in. I was embarrassed and told her I would try not to. Just after they left, my Grandma came from around the corner. I got up, jumped the little trickle in my way, and we went on.
When we got back to the beginning, I wanted to go back with my book and read in my spot – but, of course, not enough time. We needed to make it on time to our next tour stop. We all regrouped and loaded the bus once more.
The Garden. Our next and last stop was the Garden of Gethsemane. This is also known as the place were Jesus brought his disciples, and prayed. He prayed to the Father asking if there was some other way to save everyone from sin. If you’ve read the Bible, then you know what God told Jesus.
When we got there, there were already some other groups from China, Mexico, and other countries. I could tell because of the languages. Of course, some of the languages I didn’t recognize. We had to wait in line for a little bit. Than we all prayed and entered the garden.
Inside there were olive trees everywhere and a dirt path leading around the whole thing. I felt happier than ever in this place. (Don’t ask me why I was happy, of all things.) Grandma reminded me to stay quiet because some people were praying and reading their Bibles. We decided to pray, too.
After we were done praying, we went over to the guide. He was holding a basket and asked us to give the gatekeeper a tip for allowing us all in. We did and when we all regrouped, we left the garden and went back to the hotel to pack up for the last time.
The Airport. Saying good-bye to all our new friends. Boarding the plane. Landing in the U.S.A. Going to my Grandma’s to spend the night. Heading back home again. What a trip! It’s one that I’ll remember forever.
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