Bringer of Light

My son, Aaron, and his wife, Stephanie, have faced a few challenges in their fairly new marriage. I'm so glad that he has been willing to turn to the Lord in these times and gain new perspective by listening to the Holy Spirit. The world wants us to believe that new life only begins at birth, but we know, through the Word, that new life begins much sooner. Aaron and Stephanie acknowledge this and are blessed in their walk toward the Cross. What follows is their story:


STORY ABOUT OUR MISCARRIAGE:

So Steph had the miscarriage, but what followed the news was what was so encouraging.

Most dad's don't "own" their child until they get to hold her for the first time.The moment their eyes meet, he feels like a dad and waves of joy and responsibility wash over him like an overwhelming peaceful weight. Well, when Steph told me she was pregnant, I got excited and I bought a leather-bound journal and immediately started writing to the baby. I told her I was nervous and excited and told her the current gas prices, who is president, the cost of a candy bar, what her mother and I were preparing for so that she would be protected and loved the moment she arrived.

When we had the miscarriage and all of that shattered. I didn't realize I had withdrawn, until Stephanie expressed concern; but for three days I had disconnected from the rest of the family here. Steph and I had separated a bit and my relationships became business - getting jobs done. On the third evening, Steph told me to sit next to her on the bed. She said she feared that I hadn't cried a release of our baby and I was still holding on to it. I think deep down I knew I hadn't released her, but I didn't want to and I played it off as if she wasn't real, just a fetus and not a real person and that I was crazy to be excited over something so insignificant.

I sat with her and prayed. About 15 minutes passed and I was crying aloud, cradled in Stephanie's arms. (She is so loving!) I had helped her with her coping, but I hadn't paid much attention to me. Steph said that she would like it if we prayed for a release in our hearts, not a severance of our relationship with the baby, but a release of the pain of not having her here. Well we did, which spurred more tears. Steph said she had prayed earlier that week and asked God for her name, and He gave her "Alina," which means Bringer of Light. Well, we also prayed that The Lord Jesus would keep her safe and allow us to see her.

This is where the story gets good! I prayed those words, and Jesus put me in the presence of His Grace. I'm actually tearing up now writing this. I was standing in the throne room, where Alina sat in the throne, playing a life-sized cello. Her small child's hand struggled to press down the strings and move the bow at the same time. My logic kicked in and I couldn't know how she was holding it up, until I looked back behind her and the throne where Jesus stood over her, holding up the neck of the cello with one hand and resting the other on her shoulder. She was so beautiful.... is so beautiful. When I saw her playing this, she looked up and saw me. Her expression was one of complete and serene joy. She gave me a hug, in which I felt all the love I have never felt here on earth... the purest love. I bent down and felt so guilty because deep down I think I thought it was my fault (probably a hurt I need to face some day). She grieved in front of me, and I think she noticed my pain. She said not to worry about her, and that she would be waiting for me and her mother in heaven. She then got excited.

"Look at where I am, daddy," she said with her arms gesturing to the atmosphere, and I couldn't help but laugh.

"What?" Steph asked and I told her what I had seen. For about an hour or so, Steph and I cried and laughed together about the experience.

Most dad's don't get to own their baby until they carry her for the first time. I was a dad for only a short while, but I was a dad. When I see our three kids or however many God deems to give us, I will always see one more than what we have on earth. She really did bring light into our lives even though she was with us for just a short time...and she still does.

Stephanie feels closer to her mother now, since her mom had a miscarriage before as well. Stephanie and I grew more intimate together - able to reach places with each other we weren't reaching before. We have a testimony that I can tell men who have children, are about to have a child, or maybe even lost a loved one. I told this story at church one Sunday in front of the congregation. God touched quite a few men in the room by what I experienced. I remember a lady coming up to me and telling me that she couldn't remember the last time her husband cried, considering he's a "man's man," and dutiful men don't cry; but found himself asking her for the tissues on her other side.

We decided to keep the journal and keep writing to Alina anyway; and we have written to her since then. She seems to be our 'angel' we talk to when the going gets tough sometimes. We asked her to petition to God with us to protect this new baby (now that Steph is pregnant again), and that we miss her.

I love you, Alina, and your mother and I will see you someday.

_____

And now, Stephanie is pregnant again. I won't be stagnant and void of joyful emotion. I will take the gift our Lord Jesus gave us and be evermore excited about this baby, too. I bought a journal last night, and Steph and I wrote to the baby for the first time. I will be filled with joy and constantly pray for God's favor upon our lives, as He has been providing for us as long as I have released it to Him.

The moment you let it go (whatever trial that is), is the moment Jesus can pick it up. Wouldn't you rather he held the weight? After all, isn't that what He died for?

-Aaron

Love you guys and be praying for this pregnancy!

A Sinner's Confession

“There is none righteous; no not one.” Romans 3:10
“All have sinned and come short of the glory of God.” Romans 3:23

I am a sinner. Most Christians would agree with that statement. I am not perfect. No argument there! I need a Savior. Hopefully, all of us will come to this conclusion one way or another. So…because I am a sinner and am not perfect, I need a Savior.

If the above is true, then it follows that I will need correction and instruction – constantly; because I will always be a sinner and I will never be perfect. Praise God, I have a Savior!

I need a Savior because I am not perfect and am a sinner. So, why is it that my first responses to instruction and correction are: “Who me?” “I’m not bad!” “I’m justified in doing ___!” “It must be your fault!” “You just don’t understand.” etc.? It’s probably because I don’t like the taste of humble pie.

“Honey, I’d really like you to cut my hair tonight.” Ralph likes me to cut his hair because he loves to have me play with it. Normally, I like to do it. This time I only reluctantly agreed thinking that I would probably feel more like doing it later.

That evening came and I still did not feel like cutting anyone’s hair. He reminded me and I piddled around and distracted myself. Finally, I got lost in a book while he “got lost” on his computer. The hair cutting had been conveniently forgotten -- or so I thought.

The next morning I was making breakfast and Ralph came into the kitchen. “Sheila, I’m really disappointed that you didn’t cut my hair last night like you said that you would.” I could tell that he was a little upset. “Why didn’t you just tell me that you’d like to do it another time instead of saying that you would do something and then not doing it? I think you were wrong not to follow through with your word.” To his credit, he was being kind and at the same time trying to hold me accountable.

I wish I could say that my first response was “I’m sorry.” Unfortunately, I didn’t want to eat humble pie for breakfast and my reply was much more along the lines of the above. However, as we talked, the Holy Spirit tapped me on the shoulder and told me that He wanted to love me and He wanted to forgive me. “Remember!” He was whispering, “You need a Savior!”

After a little bit of prodding, my heart brought forth the words, “You’re right, hon. I should have said something to you or done what I said I was going to do. I’m sorry. Forgive me?” Of course, he hugged me and forgave me, not just for not keeping my word, but also for my excuse making; and our relationship was restored.

“Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.” James 5:16

According to Drs. Cloud & Townsend in their book Safe People, when we confess our wrongdoing and own up to our failures, we increase our capacity for intimacy and love. If you think about it, we can only receive forgiveness for what we are willing to confess and can only receive God’s love to the extent that we are forgiven and, consequently, are only able to give love to the extent that we have received it. We cannot truly love others, especially those closest to us, if we are not willing and able to admit when we are wrong.

I believe that we are put into relationships with others so that we can learn to love and be loved the way that our Heavenly Father loves us. Because we are sinners, this involves a lot of “owning” our own sin and realizing that in receiving instruction and correction we are actually able to love more.

“Take fast hold of instruction; let her not go: keep her; for she is thy life.” Proverbs 4:13

“Correction is grievous unto him that forsaketh the way: and he that hateth reproof shall die.” Proverbs 15:10

If we cannot receive correction and instruction (especially from those who love us most), then we are in effect saying, “I don’t sin. I’m perfect. I don’t need a Savior.” Where would that leave us? Although we may understand this fully from a theological standpoint, do we really understand it when it comes down to our own lives? I hope I do. I hope I welcome reproof and correction so that I can embrace my Savior, live, and love more.

Lord, help me to receive Your love and forgiveness by admitting when I am wrong. Protect me from the lie that says “If you’re not perfect, people won’t love you.” Because the opposite is really true. Help me to become a more useful vessel by “owning” my wrongs so that You can right them. Show me how to continue to embrace the One Who loves perfectly so that I can love others the way You love me.

Hope in the Lord

“Motherhood is very sweet…but very terrible.” Anne of Ingleside by L.M. Montgomery

“I don’t care. I’ve stopped caring about you and what you want. I just don’t care anymore.” Adrian and I had gone around and around again over the last couple of months. This was just the latest in his assertions to me. Granted, my communications to him had not been perfect either, but this was a low blow.

“I haven’t asked you to care. I’ve asked you to get your school work done. The rest is between you and God.” I looked cool and unconcerned on the outside, but on the inside I was dying. My heart was being wrenched out of my chest and the tears of my inner soul were flowing hard and fast.

“I might just become an atheist!” he told me with a hard look.

“I guess that is between you and God, too.” I was determined not to let him see what I was really feeling even though I was crumpling with failure.

Over the next couple of weeks, some of these phrases would be repeated each time he was held accountable for something (ie. cleaning his room, using a mean tone of voice, not completing his assignments, neglecting his chores, or speaking disrespectfully) or pushing my buttons when I was angry. Others were added to them, like “I’m never going to be good enough for you guys,” or “I know you don’t love me and never did!” Each time, I wondered ‘God!! Where are You?! Please do something!’

At night, when my mind was quiet and I allowed it to wander, I would try to remember where I went wrong. Was there something that I had done to make his heart this hard? Where had I failed?

I remembered a time when he was about 10 years old. I was up to my neck in what seemed like a lot of work at the time and I was fed up with his constant questioning and following me from room to room insisting that I look at this or listen to that. I had snapped and shouted for him to quit following me like a little puppy! He had only wanted some affirmation. Why had I not given it? Why had I been so selfish?

I remembered times, when he was younger, coming up to me and asking to be hugged. Usually he would ask at those times when I was up to my elbows in dishes or dinner preparation or some other work and I would be impatient and sometimes refuse to hug him. He had needed those hugs! He had needed my love and my tenderness. Now, he will not accept my hugs and refuses to give any. Why had I not seen it? Why hadn’t I given him what he needed?

My heart and mind cried out, just like King David, ‘God! Why have You forgotten me?! Where are you when I need you the most?!’

Then…one morning…

We were sitting around the dining room table. I had wrestled everyone out of bed as I do each school morning. Trying to get everyone up and started on the day is like pulling teeth most of the time. No matter how early we go to bed the night before, it seems that everyone but me has a hard time getting up in the morning.

The boys were getting started on their rowdy renditions of the adventures in skateboarding that they had had the night before. Adrian in particular is very entertaining. The girls were all listening in rapt attention as the two of then related the silly quotes of their friends and the soap opera sagas of the ‘public school’ community in which these friends were involved.

I opened my Bible to Psalms and selected one at random. Just as I was about to read, Adrian reached over and closed my Bible. He was just kidding with me. He and Terence wanted to tell one last joke or something. I told him to find the Psalm again for me since he had lost my place.

“Which one was it?” he asked.

“Psalm 42.” I had glanced at the number just before he closed it.

“Will you just read aloud to us today?” he asked. I usually have each one of them read a few verses from their own Bibles.

After a few minutes, I said, “Okay!! Let’s get started. Everyone listen.” And I began reading the Psalm.

It was just as if God were telling me exactly what I needed to hear. In this Psalm, David is crying out to God regarding his frustration with his enemies. He says “God!! Where are you?! I feel like you aren’t doing anything or answering my prayers!!”

Then he remembers that what God is doing has nothing to do with how he feels and more to do with his choice. He then says, “Why are you so depressed, Soul? Why are you worried? Put your hope in God!! For I will still praise Him, my Savior and my God!”

It reminded me of the song by Barlow Girl: “Never Alone”, where she admits that she can’t see or understand what God is doing and it seems like He is not there, but she makes the decision to put her faith in what she knows rather that what she feels. She realizes that God is there whether she feels him or not.

I was also reminded of the song by Jeremy Camp: “I Still Believe”, where he chooses to continue believing in the Lord even though it seems like the world is falling apart around him.

After reading, we discussed what was being said. The boys both had some good things to contribute about how our culture today is ruled by how we (as a society) feel rather than what we know to be right or our faith. We even talked about how loving someone is a choice rather than a “warm fuzzy” and how putting our trust in God even when we don’t feel Him there is always a better choice.

Later, I realized that God had shown Himself to me at a time when I had been wondering if He was around. He is the one who picked the Psalm – reassuring me that I can put my hope in Him even when I don’t see or feel Him. It was just what I needed to hear.

Yes, I’ve made some mistakes as a parent, but God is still in control. I may not see Him working in Adrian’s life or feel Him guiding my own, but He is there and He is still “working all things together for good” whether I see Him or not. He can and will fill in the gaps. All I have to do is put my hope in God and trust that He has the best plan.

Now the question is “Will I follow my feelings or will I choose hope, life and faith in Him Who is able?”