"If we don’t shape our
kids, they will be shaped by outside forces that don’t care what shape our kids
are in.”-Dr. Louise Hart
Seems like a silly question: Who's in charge? As a parent,
we are in charge. Right? Well, we are supposed to be anyway.
Yet, we'd be surprised how many times we abdicate our authority to our
little ones without even knowing it. Sometimes it's because we don't
think about it; maybe we are distracted; or we just want some peace - so the
littles win. Unfortunately, our silent surrender of authority has
consequences, some of which can carry on into the next generation.
Imagine you are visiting New York City and you decide on a whim to
enter the largest bank building you see. As you pass through the
revolving doors, smiling faces greet you and you are whisked up to the
penthouse office. An official looking person seats you behind the biggest
desk you have ever seen and proceeds to ask you how you want to do business and
what you would like to do with the thousands of employees working downstairs.
Panic rises in your chest. You have no idea even what this building
is all about much less how to begin to make decisions that will affect many
lives and lots of money. You might like the feeling of power at first,
but as soon as you realize just how enormous the responsibility, you might have
a nervous breakdown – or a temper tantrum.
When we relinquish our authority as parents (the ones in charge)
and hand it over to our children, the above scenario is exactly how they feel.
They don't know anything about this world - what to eat, what to wear,
what to do that is good, what will hurt, what will help or what will be best
for themselves or others. Although they may like the idea of getting
their own way, just like we may like the idea of controlling millions of
dollars, they don't really want it. What they really want and need is to
trust that someone who KNOWS is in charge and can be relied upon to make the
big (and small) decisions that they face every day.
Our children need security, peace, clear communication, easy to
follow guidelines, predictable consequences and someone in which to put their
trust. Without these things, they will become incorrigible monsters
unable to discern right from wrong and incapable of being a blessing to anyone,
including themselves. Our prisons are full of such people.
7 Ways to Be in Charge of
Our Children
1 – Teach Asking vs Demanding
The two weeks that I spent with my little grand-daughters was so
sweet. They are such adorable little girls aged three and 18 months.
However, as we interacted and played together, I noticed that the oldest was
continually saying things like "I want to do..." or "I want to
have..." or "I want..." It didn't take me long to realize
that this was her way of controlling her world. But the more control she
had, the less satisfied she was with anything.
So, I took back control. Every time she said "I
want..." I told her I would not listen and that she had to ask. We
replaced the "I want..." statements with "May I..." or
"Can I..." questions. Several times I patiently explained that she
must ask permission and that sometimes the answer would be "no"
because I was in charge. Just this small change created more peace.
When we have to ask, we acknowledge authority. Asking is
also giving over control and responsibility for the "yes" or
"no" to that authority. In a way, the weight of consequences
and outcomes is lifted and we begin to trust. This is exactly what
happened with Emma. She began to trust me and was happier in that trust.
2 - Gratefulness is next to
godliness
Being thankful in itself creates admiration in others.
Anyone who is thankful for what he receives, is generally a blessing to
those around him.
My little 18 month-old grand-daughter has been taught to say
"thank you" for anything she receives - a toy, food, help, a
"yes", etc. Although she can't really say it clearly, she makes
me feel so good about giving her anything because of her "tan tu"
every time.
Many times, my rule was that if I didn’t receive a “thank you” for
what I gave to my kids, then I would take it back and they wouldn’t get it at
all. This went for dessert, a drink, a
toy, a game, my time, etc. Very quickly
they realized that if they weren’t thankful, they did not receive much.
My husband and I also taught them to pray. At every meal, we thanked God for what He had
given us. It was important for our
children to see that we were thankful, too.
We also made a concerted effort to say “thank you” to our children
whenever they gave us something. If we
asked them to turn up the volume on the TV or get dad a glass of water, we made
sure we said “thank you”.
No matter what it is, our children must learn to be grateful.
When they are thankful, they are acknowledging our authority. When they
are grateful for everything, they learn that nothing is entitled and that every
receipt is a gift. In turn, it is a blessing to give to them.
3 - Yours, mine & ours
One of the best rules of any household is “If it is not yours, don’t
touch it!” In order to teach respect for
others, it is imperative to teach children to keep their hands off other people’s
stuff. Remembering my experiences over
the years as a childcare provider, nothing caused more conflict among the
children than one child not respecting the property of another.
Children cannot learn to really share unless they learn to
possess. They have to own something to
share it or to give it away. The first
step in this process is teaching them to keep their hands to themselves and not
touch mom’s things. I first model
possession by taking care of my possessions and respecting other’s property. Then they can learn to do the same. When the time comes to share and be generous
with others, they can do that because they actually own something.
So, teach them from the very first that mom’s water bottle is NOT
theirs. Their sippy cup is theirs and
they don’t have to share it with anyone.
They cannot take their sister’s sippy cup because it is hers. Then graduate to a toy or two that is their
own and that they can choose to share – or not.
We had “share toys” in our house.
These were toys that we expressly purchased for everyone to play
with. Then, the kids had their own toys
that they had to take care of and could choose to share if they wished. Of course, we rewarded their choice to share
with approval and encouragement. However, the bigger lesson was in taking care
of their own possessions and respecting the property of others.
4 - My Convenience, not
Theirs
There are times that our children get their way simply by being
persistent. We give in because we don’t
want to hear the whining or begging anymore.
I’ve been there…and it didn’t end well.
Eventually, my little toddler learned that all he had to do was whine
for a while and I would give him what he wanted.
Do not give in to your child’s timeline. Remember that YOU are in charge and short of
an imminent potty accident, there is nothing that cannot wait for you to say
when.
I’m not talking about ignoring your child’s needs or belittling his
desires. I’m talking about teaching him
to trust your judgement. When I’m in
conversation with my pastor after church, that is not the time for my child to
demand lunch. He can come to me and
politely tell me that he is hungry. I
will acknowledge his request and require that he wait patiently WITHOUT telling
me again until I decide it is time to fulfill his need for food.
If he is tired or uncomfortable, he can tell me once about his
need. Then he has to wait patiently for
me to decide when that need is to be filled.
Being tired or uncomfortable is NOT an excuse for bad behavior. Whining, crying or begging will not be
tolerated.
On the flip side, I MUST follow through and meet his needs when I
say I will or he will not trust me to be in charge. This is not an excuse to sit and binge watch
episodes of NCIS or ignore his need for a nap and talk for hours with my friend
at the mall.
Children learn to acknowledge your authority when you do not allow
them to dictate when their needs are met but rather meet them in a timely
manner when it is best for them and when you decide.
5 - No
Argument!
True obedience is immediate action without delay, complaint, or
argument. The moment I allow my child to
argue with me about my directive, is the moment I have given away my
authority. Children will learn quickly
that they can delay obedience just by arguing with you and perhaps get out of
doing what you told them all together.
You cannot allow argument. When
they are little, there should be no question about what you tell them to
do. If you tell them to put on their
shoes, they should do it. If you ask
them to brush their teeth, they should have no argument.
Our rule was that they had to obey first and then come and make
their case afterward. Most of the time,
obedience first solved any issues. When
they got to be teenagers, they were allowed to respectfully disagree with a
directive only if it could not be undone or if they needed clarification.
Now, parents are not perfect.
Sometimes we make mistakes. If we
ask them to do something unreasonable, unclear, or ungodly, we’d better be
prepared to ask their forgiveness. If we
are quick to say “I’m sorry” when we make a mistake, they will be more ready to
obey next time.
6 - Honor effort, not
excuses
“I can’t” is something that I heard often from my little
granddaughter when she visited. Most of
the time, she meant that she didn’t want to do whatever it was. Sometimes, she meant that she was afraid and didn’t
trust me to protect her. In either case,
I had to remind her that I was in charge and that she must do what I was asking
because I would help her and reward her efforts.
When she made the effort, I encouraged and praised her. When she made excuses, I didn’t listen and I didn’t
encourage. “I can’t” was not allowed and
had to be turned into “I’ll try”.
Most of the time, she was looking for reassurance that I, or her
parents, were in control and could be trusted.
7 - Communication - short
& sweet
Quite often during my children’s teen years, I was accused of
lecturing. Because of their critique, I
learned that saying the same thing over and over in different ways was not
effective.
I believe that short and sweet applies even more to the little
ones. Recently, I witnessed a mother
trying to explain to her 1 year-old why he couldn’t climb up onto the
table. She explained carefully in
several paragraphs why she was saying “no” and what would happen if he got
hurt. As soon as she put him on the floor,
he proceeded to climb up on the table again as if it was a game he was playing
with her. Ridiculous!
Our communication with our toddlers and teens should be clear, short
and sweet. No explaining necessary. No long winded stories or explanations of
consequences. For some reason, their
brains turn off and they don’t remember what you said or why you said it.
Sometimes a short explanation is necessary, but most of the time
our children just need to do what we ask because we are in charge. Not that we should never explain when our
children ask, but we need to be aware that sometimes their questions are just a
delaying tactic. Don’t fall for it.
The word “NO” is a short, powerful word and should be used
often. If we don’t want our little
toddlers imitating it then we could say “Absolutely not!” instead. However, it is essential that we say it. The only way our children learn anything
about boundaries for themselves is when we set them in the world around them.
In Charge
If we are not in charge of our children, our children will not
gain the confidence, security, boundaries, or character that they will need to
succeed in this world on their own. We
want them to be a blessing to any who know them. Someday, they will need to be in charge of
their own lives. The way that we take
charge of our family will be the way that they take charge of theirs.
